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phone call
Before you go calling the police about that giant schlong on your driveway, perhaps it’s worth determining if it’s paint or … A homeowner in Millville, New Jersey skipped that step, and called Johnny Law, unnecessarily, as reported by The News of Cumberland County.

Someone graced an East Vine Street driveway with a drawing of a penis early Monday morning or before.

The person who called police reported that someone had spray painted the phalus, but police on scene discovered it was chalk. They advised the property owner to wash it off with water and reported no actual property damage.

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birds
Doesn’t everyone like colorful birds? Well, if you’re in Center Line, Michigan, and want to make your drab bird a little more colorful – don’t. Why? In addition to the obvious reasons (so please, PETA, no more emails) because of this law:

Sec. 10-4. Artificially coloring birds.

It shall be unlawful for any person to artificially color, spray or paint any bird or fowl or to sell, offer for sale, or otherwise dispose of any such colored bird or fowl.

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stalk stalking
Dude. Of all people to stalk, the police? That’s what Thomas C. Massey of Traverse City, Michigan is accused of, per the Traverse City Record-Eagle:

Massey spent a good portion of Monday shouting at officers and making a profane gesture at them as he paced around the building, police said.

It wasn’t an isolated incident. Police contend Massey heckled and harassed local officers since at least March, and he’s often spotted around the law enforcement center.

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dachsund weiner dog
Ilinois high school senior David Clark will have to think twice, though he’s worn the shirt before, without incident. But not this time. So what did it say? “I [heart] My Wiener” with a picture of a dachsund under it. See, David’s dachsund was hit by a car and killed a few months back. The shirt is David’s way of honoring his dog.

Unfortunately, Principal Wes Choate didn’t see it that way. He gave David 3 choices: change shirts, turn it inside out, or leave. When faced with these stupid choices, David made the best one: he left – even though it meant getting a zero in each class. David Sr. makes a good point about the arbitrary dress code, which prohibits

students from wearing any clothing that is disrupting to the educational process, interferes with the maintenance of a positive teaching and learning climate or compromises reasonable standards of health, safety and decency.

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two cents 2
The “Brown ‘N Serve” sausages were 98 cents in the aisle, but rang up at $1.00. When it happened the second time, consumer activist Mary Bach resorted to a familiar remedy – court. Wal-Mart said the overcharge was a mistake. What did the judge say? Per The Tribune-Review:

Murrysville District Judge Charles Conway sided with Bach in her civil lawsuit alleging unfair trade practices. He awarded Bach $100 in damages, plus about $80 in court costs.

Said a victorious Bach:

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police stop
DUI checkpoints are unconstitutional because they violate the 4th Amendment, no matter what the Supreme Court said. (Where is the probable cause to stop someone when they are just driving down the road, minding their own business?) Still, it’s the law of the land. Anyway, in this particular case, they did catch an allegedly drunk driver, but in a most unusual way. As reported by The Belleville News-Democrat:

The village of Caseyville lost a police cruiser in the line of duty Monday when an alleged intoxicated driver crashed into it at a sobriety checkpoint.

Yeah, that’s not exactly the way the police would like the checkpoints to function.

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work
The night could most succinctly be described as “0 for 2”.  To call this gent a “robber” would be stretching the definition of the term, though it wasn’t for lack of trying. As reported by KUTV (Utah):

A man entered a Subway restaurant at 5550 W. 3500 S. just after 9 a.m., demanded money from the employee and indicated that he had a weapon, West Valley City Police said. During the holdup, the employee asked the suspect to wait and walked to the back of the store. When the worker didn’t return, the suspect became impatient and left.

Clearly the demand was not threatening enough. So …

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monkey
So maybe it’s not 100% certain that he was drinking with the monkeys, but he let them out of their cages, he was drunk, and … as reported by The August Chronicle (Georgia):

According to a GHSU Police Bureau incident report, a co-worker discovered Coley Mitchell, 32, partially unclothed in the Laboratory Animal Services technician locker room at the Sanders Research and Education Building about 10:30 p.m. Monday.

Yikes!

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cheez-its
Everyone craves some type of food at one time or another. And although you may not consider Cheez-Its to be food, a New Hampshire man had a serious craving, and apparently no cash. So, according to The New Hampshire Union Leader …

Officer Jacob Tyler was on patrol when he stopped to check on the business. When he pulled up, the clerk came out to tell him he had just been punched in the face. The officer noted redness around the clerk’s eye.

The clerk told Tyler he saw a man go out the door after hiding a three-ounce bag of Cheez-It in his pants. The clerk confronted him outside, the two got into a struggle, and the shoplifter punched him in the face and then ran off.

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police car chase
Running away from a problem rarely works.  This is especially true if your problem is a police car chasing you, and you are on an electric bicycle!  As reported by The Hamilton Spectator (Ontario):

At around 11:45 p.m. Halton police officers, patrolling on bicycles, saw a man on an E-bike in the area of Kerr Street and Lakeshore Road West who they allege was not wearing the required helmet.

When you are doing something illegal (see below), why would you draw attention to yourself by breaking such an obvious law like a helmet law?

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