… party balloons! The California Senate passed a bill banning helium-filled, metallic party balloons. Why? Per the AP,
Utility company officials blame fly-away balloons for shorting out power lines and causing hundreds of blackouts in recent years.
Don’t worry yet, kids. It still has to make it through the state Assembly, and of course, the Terminator.
… every now and then, comes around. This is one of those times. Remember the New York judge who jailed 46 people because a cell phone went off in his courtroom? (If you don’t, click here. It was outrageous.) Guess what happened to him (Niagra Falls City Court Judge Robert M. Restaino)? He’s gone! Here’s the article on his removal from the bench by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct, whose decision was just upheld by the State Court of Appeals.
Yes, it’s a wrongful death case. William H. Waggoner, age 88, died a month after he was hit by an automatic door at a Wal-Mart in Marble Falls, Texas. Is it me, or is a case like this an inappropriate forum to try to be funny? Judge James Nowlin tried … and failed. The parties could not agree on where to hold the deposition of Wal-Mart’s corporate representative. (Wal-Mart wanted it in Bentonville, Arkansas. The Waggoner family wanted it in San Antonio, Texas.) So this is where, in a case about a man’s death, Judge Nowlin attempted to inject some humor. This is word-for-word from his May 3, 2008 Order (filed on June 3, 2008):
The Court is sympathetic with [Wal-Mart’s] argument. Surely [Wal-Mart’s] corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the University of Texas, where the legendary Texas Longhorns have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55-21 all-time series record.
For additional levity, the Judge threw in this footnote:
It is worth noting that the Razorbacks, who disgracefully retreated from the Southwest Conference to the gentler pastures of the Southeastern Conference, could have likely learned a lesson about stamina and perseverance in the face of battle by visiting the Alamo in San Antonio.
Hah hah hah! That is so not funny. But there’s more.
On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff’s position. Plaintiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the “Game of the Century” in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship.
Still not funny. Here’s how Judge Nowlin resolved this dispute:
Because the Court is sympathetic to both parties’ positions, it has found a neutral site, intended to avoid both humiliation and trepidation of retribution.
Accordingly, it is ordered that unless the parties agree otherwise, the deposition … shall occur … on the steps of the Texarkana Federal Building [on the Texas/Arkansas border].
I know you must be ROTFL, but here’s the final blast of humor:
It is further ordered that each party is to remain on his or her respective side of the state line.
So very unfunny. So very unjudicial. Click here to read the Order.
Remember the story about the Swedish parents who wanted to name their daughter “Metallica?” Or the Swedish transvestite who wanted to change his name to Pia? Add to that list the Swedish couple who wanted to name their daughter “Elvis.” Fuhgeddaboutit, said the National Tax Board. Why? Because …
Elvis “is a first name of a masculine type.”
While the King might be pleased with that determination, no doubt Elvis’s parents are not. They should follow Metallica’s parents lead, who fought the law, and won.
Two friends, Robert John (age 20) and Carl Thorpe (age 26) ran into each other in town. They had a few drinks and returned to Mr. Thorpe’s apartment to watch a DVD “featuring football [soccer] hooligans,” as reported by the BBC.
[The DVD] featured footage of fans biting each other.
Can you guess what happened next?
Suddenly John punched Mr Thorpe to the floor before punching him again up to 20 times and then biting off all of his left ear – complete with ear ring.
Owwwwwwwwwwww! And about that ear …
John had put the ear inside a plastic bag and hidden it amongst ivy growing on a wall.
But by the time he admitted it to police it was too late for doctors to do anything with it.
Oh, and Mr. John also stole some of Mr. Thorpe’s things, then locked him in his own apartment. The Judge was feeling Mr. Thorpe’s pain.
“You literally ripped off his ear with your teeth. That is akin to using them as a weapon… Taking the ear with you was bizarre.”
And very uncool. Mr. Johns received a 5-year sentence. Here’s the source.
Turkish barber Sabri Bogday has been sentenced to beheading for “using God’s name in vain,” as reported by the Los Angeles Times. It happened “during an argument with a neighbor, who later complained to police.” Why is the judge you get so important?
The [Arab News Daily] quoted a lawyer as saying: “Some judges consider it heresy and infidelity, and say that the accused cannot repent and so faces the death penalty. Others consider the statement to be disbelief, thus allow the accused to retract what he has said and repent and then set him free.”
Mr. Bogday has already been in jail for 13 months! The Turkish President is pleading his case with the Saudi King.
… you will probably think about this story. Over several months, this guy noticed that some of his food kept disappearing. So he had cameras that transmitted images to his cell phone installed. As reported by the AP:
One of the cameras captured someone moving inside his home Thursday after he had left, and he called police believing it was a burglar. However, when they arrived they found the door locked and all windows closed.
The police searched the house and came up empty until they searched … the closet. In the closet, they found a homeless woman who had been living there for a year! She even had a mattress in the closet! Freaky. Here’s the story.
Judges have to put up with a lot of crap, day in and day out, and deal with it, on the record. I’m not sure how long I would last. Judge Mark Chow of King County, Washington made it from 1991 until just recently. As reported in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
Chow was presiding in a King County Jail courtroom Jan. 23, when a male defendant snapped at him with a vulgar sexual demand. Chow replied, “I would if you pulled it out, but you can’t find it.”
Snap? That’s all you got? I’d be embarrassed to go before the Commission on Judicial Conduct because the retort was so lame. Here’s incident number two:
While presiding in Mental Health Court that same day, Chow also asked a female defendant, “What flavor are you?” — a question about her ethnic background. He told another, “I think I know what flavor you are, so I’m not even going to ask.”
So what punishment did the Commission on Judicial Conduct deem appropriate? The weakest possible one available – an admonishment. Click here for the source of this tale of judicial woe.
As reported in The Cincinnati Enquirer:
A Columbus man has been charged with crawling under a table at a library on University of Cincinnati’s campus, spraying a substance from a syringe on a woman’s shoes and then photographing them.
Dwight Pannell, 43, was booked into the county jail Wednesday on charges of voyeurism, assault and criminal trespass.
What did Mr. Pannell tell the police?
“He admitted taking pictures of her feet,” [University Police Captain] Patterson said. “He said he was doing so because it was a new camera.”
Okay, what about this?
According to a July 18, 2000, story in The Enquirer, Pannell was accused of attacking a woman with a syringe at Ohio State University’s main library. He was charged with assault and possession of criminal tools. The woman was treated at a hospital and released.
Um. Er.
Oh yes she did. Stefanie Woods stole a 9-year-old girl scout’s cookie money! And, she just pleaded “no contest” to skipping out on a $25.84 bill at Denny’s. As reported by WPBF-TV, here’s what Ms. Woods had to say for herself about the Denny’s case:
“All I can say is that, I’m really sorry, and Denny’s was not my fault, even though you guys don’t want to believe me. Nobody wants to believe me, so, that’s all I can really say.”
Hmm. Maybe people are unlikely to believe you because of what you said after the cookie job:
