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If you’re going to break into a tavern and steal 4 1/2 cases of beer, it’s not a good idea to leave YOUR LIBRARY CARD ON THE FLOOR. Yes, these are allegations, but it sure doesn’t look good for 34-year-old Kristopher Lehnhardt of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. As reported in The Sheboygan Press, according to a criminal complaint:

A bartender at Cozy Bar, 116 E. Mill St., called police about 2:30 a.m. Feb. 22 after discovering lights on, a cooler open and a window screen cut in the basement.

She also found Lehnhardt’s Mead Public Library card on the floor by a door, where it appeared to have been used in an attempt to unlock the door.

Missing were four cases of Miller Lite and six cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

I think the real story is that someone actually stole PBR. Anyway, so just the library card? Anything else? Um. Yeah.

A friend of Lehnhardt’s told police Lehnhardt admitted taking the beer and putting it outside to pick it up later.

Thanks, “friend.” Mr. Lehnhardt “could face up to 18 months in jail, if convicted on misdemeanor counts of theft and property damage.”

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What else would you put in a mail slot on a door other than a letter? A penis, or course. Such was the case with Mr. Bryan Owens. And it wasn’t easy. As reported in The Sun:

Prosecutor Paul Caulfield said: “He had adapted the draft excluder to make a hole wide enough for him to stick his penis through so others could see it.

Owens was originally cautioned for the offence last September when a woman spotted him flashing his member on her way to work.

Despite the warning he was then collared doing the same thing a month later.

The defense? None. Mr. Owens pleaded guilty. Said the judge: “You have clearly got a problem which you need to overcome.” Indeed. The sentence was two years of supervision and five years on the sex offender registry. Here’s the source.

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Judge Paul Cosgrove was already having a bad day. He was at a meeting of the full Canadian Judicial Council, trying to keep his job. (A panel of 5 judges had voted 4-1 to remove him.) And at that meeting (per the Globe and Mail) …

Adding to Judge Cosgrove’s woes, security was so lax at the Council meeting that a man who managed to plant himself in front of him at one point interrupted the hearing to angrily serve Judge Cosgrove with what he claimed were legal papers.

The man quickly slipped out of the room after calling Judge Cosgrove, “you mother-fucker.”

Think maybe the Judge was proving to be difficult to serve?

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Son of a biscuit! She did crash that funeral. As reported by FoxCarolina.com:

According to a[n] incident report, Nicole Leonard walked into the church while the funeral was going on and started dancing near the casket.

Sure, that’s weird, but read on.

The report said that Leonard then started waving a wand around the casket before opening it and laying her hands on the deceased. Leonard then started tapping the deceased man’s head with the wand, which was described as a car antenna.

You might be wondering, as I did, what her connection was to the deceased. None!

“(It’s) kind of ironic and weird in its own right, especially for someone with no connection to the family or the deceased in any way that we can find,” [Laurens County Sheriff Ricky] Chastain said. [He happened to be at the funeral.] “(She) just picked this funeral at random to stop in and do what she did.”

Surely Ms. Leonard can clear this up.

According to the incident report, when Leonard was asked why she did it, she said that she thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

See? It all makes sense. (She was charged with “disrupting a funeral.”)

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No offense (really) to the kid who started all of this “no cussing” stuff (notice I didn’t say “shit” – doh!), but really, are words in and of themselves “bad?” Has the word “shit,” by itself, ever hurt anyone? What about “You’re fat” or “You’re ugly” or “You’re stupid?”

Off my soapbox, and on to Mr. Anthony Ruano, who probably wishes I were King. Seems that young Mr. Ruano (age 18) had an argument with his dad, then headed across the street, spray paint in hand. On the wall of the building facing his dad’s house, he wrote a 7-foot-long message – “Fuck You.” Unfortunately for Mr. Ruano, that building WAS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

As luck (bad) would have it, Mr. Ruano chose to do this during Los Angeles County’s “No Cussing Week.” Per The Contra Costa Times,

Ruano finds himself prosecuted under a City Attorney’s Office plan to work to improve safety and security at the city’s school campuses….

[He] was charged with one count of vandalism and could go to jail for a year and pay up to $10,000 in fines if convicted.

It’s pathetic, but props to The Contra Costa Times for at least saying the graffiti rhymed with “Muck

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Is it just me (it often is), or is it a little strange for a couple to exchange cell phone videos of their genitals? Because that was Christopher Walker’s explanation for sending a cell phone video of his genitals to … not his girlfriend! Doh! Per the BBC:

When interviewed, Walker said he had been off work and and been drinking when he tried to send the call to his girlfriend, but had got the number wrong.

He said the footage of his genitals was meant for his partner …

Hmm. Wouldn’t his girlfriend’s number be in his contacts, so he wouldn’t need to dial it? Although he got probation, Mr. Walker will be a registered sex offender for 3 years, and must attend a community sex offender’s group program. Here’s the source. For a few more cell phone stories, click here.

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Generally, The Juice is not inclined to prejudge a pending action, but, IMHO, THERE IS NO WAY THIS WOMAN SLEPT THROUGH THIS! NFW. As reported by the Chicago Tribune:

A Buffalo Grove woman is accused of allowing an underage drinking party in her home after her son and 17 other teenagers were cited over the weekend for unlawful possession and consumption of alcohol, police said Monday.

17 other teenagers! But wait …

Police officers went to the house in response to reports of loud music and people yelling about 3:20 a.m. Sunday, Husak said. The teenagers, ranging in age from 16 to 19, were given breath tests at the scene and cited for violating a village underage drinking ordinance …

It was so loud somebody called the cops!

Margaret Couch, 46, told officers who were called to her home in the 200 block of Cottonwood Road that she was sleeping and unaware of the party, said Buffalo Grove Police Cmdr. Steve Husak. Couch was cited for violating a Buffalo Grove nuisance ordinance.

No! Sleeping? That’s the best you can do? How about “What was that, sonny? I’m a little hard of hearing.” Or “I thought it was that ‘non-alcoholic’ beer.”

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Sure, I’ll bet just about every one of you has talked on a cell phone while driving. But a Kettering, Ohio woman took it to another level. As reported by The Dayton Daily News:

Police in Ohio say a woman has been charged with child endangering after another motorist reported she was both breast-feeding a youngster and talking on a phone while driving.

Police in the Dayton suburb of Kettering say the caller told them he saw the woman Thursday.

Officer Michael Burke says authorities used a license plate number to track down 39-year-old Genine Compton.

He said the woman told officers she was breast-feeding and wouldn’t let her child go hungry.

Burke said the legal concern is that Compton had a child in her lap while driving, not that she was breast-feeding in public. He said the child was under 2 years old.

Police say the woman faces up to 180 days in jail and a $1,800 fine if convicted of the misdemeanor.

Here’s another multitasking story.

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serena%20kozakura%20large%20breasts%20big%20chest%20boobs.jpg Truth – this defense was really used in court. The charge against Japanese pin-up Serena Kozakura was kicking a hole in a door, and then crawling through it to enter an apartment. She was convicted. On appeal, Serena’s lawyer argued that, with a 44-inch chest, she could not possibly have fit through the hole in the door! The Judge agreed, and tossed the case. Said Serena,

“I used to hate my body so much, but it was my breasts that won in court.”

Shazam! Props to wizbangblog and Japundit for finding this story. Click here to see the story as posted on Weird Asia News (including photos and video).

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That, Juice readers, is the question of the day. It will be answered when Sarah Welch has her day in court from … (see YouTube video below).

As reported by TMZ.com:

Sarah Welch — a model and former contestant on “The Bachelor” — is suing several companies involved with the fashion show she worked at the Mondrian Hotel in West Hollywood on October 18, 2007.

Welch claims she suffered “great injuries to her body, shock and injuries to her nervous system” after she fell through a hole in the runway which was created by the performer who went on before her. [She] is suing for negligence and is seeking unspecified damages.

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