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One would think it goes without saying that perhaps the first rule of robbing a bank (other than not getting caught at the scene) is to not allow yourself to be identified, be it by a surveillance camera, fingerprints, a wallet … A wallet? Yes, Albert Vincent Perkins allegedly robbed a bank in Kansas City, and left his wallet behind, with his driver’s license in it! Per the AP:

The U.S. attorney’s office said the teller and a customer in the bank identified the photo on the driver’s license and another photo in the wallet as the robber. Perkins was arrested Thursday night. Police say he took about $3,100.

Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh!

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No, it’s not the “give us cash to protect yourself from us” kind of protection. Without even being there, Chuck Norris has singlehandedly ended a series of break-ins at a bakery in Split, Croatia. From the Croatian Times:

Store bosses have seen off burglars by placing a life-sized photo of Hollywood action star Chuck Norris in the window.

The posh bakery shop in Split, Croatia, had often been broken until they put up the poster of the karate champ with a sign saying: “This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.”

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You’re Benjamin J. Marchant, and you’re just sitting in a courtroom in Dickson County, Tennessee. You haven’t done anything, other than give a ride to a friend who does have some business before the court. And what did Judge Durwood G. Moore do to Mr. Marchant? From a decision by the Tennessee Court of the Judiciary:

While he sat in your court you observed him and ordered your bailiff or police officers in the courtroom to take Mr. Marchant into custody and to administer a drug test on his person. Mr. Marchant was neither a litigant, a defendant or a person who had business before the Court and was a citizen observer. Mr. Marchant at your direction was seized by police officials and required to provide a urine sample which was drug tested. When the drug test was revealed to be negative Mr. Marchant was released. The ordering of the seizure of Mr. Marchant and this testing were illegal and neither statutory nor constitutional basis existed for your conduct.

What the hell was he thinking? The judges in charge of the disciplinary process were pissed. They hammered Judge Moore for violating a slew of Mr. Marchant’s rights. But was he booted from the bench?

This public censure represents the highest degree of judicial discipline authorized by law short of the Court seeking a judgment recommending your removal as a judge from office. In the future you are to accord all citizens who appear in your court their constitutional rights and they shall not be seized on your suspicion for unauthorized drug tests. Each individual who appears before you shall be afforded their due process rights and shall be properly charged and noticed before any adverse action is taken against them.

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So this woman (no, that’s not her, but I could you resist using that picture?) crashed her car and refused a breathalyzer test. For her crime, she was sentenced to 80 hours of community service. Apparently nobody anticipated that she would show up for the community service in 4-inch heels. She was sent back to court, as the boots were deemed a health and safety hazard. What do you think should happen? Here are excerpts of the story from The Daily Mail:

Debbie Stallard was told she couldn’t do the manual work because her boots were a health and safety hazard.

The 47-year-old, from Paignton in Devon, claimed she was unable to wear flat shoes for medical reasons. ‘Since I was a little girl I have only been able to walk on the balls of my feet. Even my slippers have two and a half inch heels.

‘The long and the short of it is that I can’t wear flat shoes because of a medical condition I have had since I was a child. ‘It’s health and safety gone mad. I was made to feel stupid’.

The mother-of-two had been sentenced to 80 hours community service after she was convicted of damaging a vehicle and failing to provide a specimen of breath.

Within 10 days she arrived at the probation service’s community payback workshop in Torquay but was told her towering boots would be unsuitable for ‘the vigorous work ahead’.

The probation service took her back to court last Friday asking that the community service order be revoked and replaced with another punishment.

Judges have adjourned the case until more detailed medical reports are made available.

Probation officer Heidi Randle said: ‘She attended on the date required but was sent away because she was wearing heels. ‘We tried to contact the GP [General Practitioner] in this case and received a letter which was non-committal and does not say anything specific about wearing flats.

Starting to smell a bit?

‘It is a non-NHS [National Health Service] matter and, for a fee, he would write a more detailed report’.

Or does the doctor just want some dough?

Ms Stallard’s solicitor John Darby said: ‘My client has always lived on her toes. ‘She has always worn heels and in her last job had to sign a disclaimer so she could wear high heels to work. She can’t walk in flats.’

A spokesman for the Probation Service said: ‘We take the health and safety legislation for offenders very seriously. ‘Ms Stallard was offered protective footwear but refused to comply. We had no option but to return the order to court for magistrates to re-sentence as they see fit.’

Interesting. Here’s the source.

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Regular readers know that the Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I’ve seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

… the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye’s wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.

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Oh no you didn’t just drop the f-bomb in court, Lord Justice Nicholas Wall. He did, to make a point. As reported by the Sun:

Lord Justice Nicholas Wall used the words of English poet Philip Larkin to stress the devastating impact on children when couples keep warring after they split up.

The Appeal Court judge, dealing with a residence order, said he hoped he would give the mother and father a fright because they had both come “within a whisker” of losing their nine-year-old son.

As he ruled the boy could live with the mother, he said the parents had harmed him by their “ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations” for each other following the break-up.

The judge issued a statement overturning a decision by Luton County Court, Beds, at which custody of the boy had been given to his maternal grandparents.

So what about the f-bomb? “Quoting poet Larkin’s 1971 work This Be The Verse, he said:

“They f[uck] you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.

“They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you.”

Why the f-bomb?

He said: “These four lines give a clear warning to parents.”

Let’s hope so. They’ve certainly put Lord Wall on the map. Here’s the source.

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Should spitting really be criminalized? “Yes,” said the powers that be in Cincinnati. Here’s a law that was passed in 2006 as part of the “Neighborhood Quality of Life Unified Code”

Sec. 1601-27. Spitting in a Public Place.

No person shall spit upon any sidewalk, street, highway, alley, the floor of any bus used for public transportation, theater, railway or public transportation depot or platform or the floor of any school house, church or public building of any kind.

Whoever violates this section is guilty of spitting in a public place, a minor misdemeanor.

Is it ever enforced? At least once, anyway. As reported by kypost.com, a Ms. Davis was busted for “flipping the bird” and spitting on the sidewalk. But that’s not why she was put in jail.

Police also found Davis had two outstanding warrants.

Oops.

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Tumid? Seriously, does anyone know what “tumid” means? Some legislators did, because they put it in Section 3303.14 of the Columbus (Ohio) Code:

“Nude” or “state of nudity” means a state of dress or undress that exposes to view: …

2. Human male genitals in a discernibly tumid state, even with a complete and opaque covering, or

3. A covering or device that when worn, depicts, represents, or simulates human female genitals, human female areolae or nipples, or human male genitals in a discernibly tumid state.

(Emphasis added by the Juice.) As you may have guessed, “tumid” means “erect” or “stiff” or “rigid.” Now, was that so hard? (Sorry!)

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I guess technically it’s a burglary, since the home was broken into, and something was stolen. But really, jellybeans? And nothing else? As reported by the Erie Times News:

Police said the burglar broke the window in the front door of a home in the 12000 block of East Lake Road in North East Township sometime between 7 and 11:59 p.m. on April 24. Once inside, the burglar took some jellybeans sitting on the dining room table and left.

Police said no other property inside the home was missing or moved.

Nutty. Here’s the source. (In the same vein, check out this post.)

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Sure, everyone has either heard about, or engaged in, a love tumble in a strange place or two. But, as Maxwell Smart often said to the Chief, “would you believe” a couple in British Columbia was caught having sex IN A GARBAGE TRUCK!? As reported in the Courier Mail, there were ” … reports of people walking suspiciously behind a business …”

“When the officer was out of his car having a look around, checking doors he could hear noises coming from the dumpster,” said Sgt. John Price.

The officer called out and got no response, so he pulled out his flashlight and took a look inside.

“He peeked over the edge and in the bottom of the dumpster, a man and a woman (were) full-on nude, intertwined, oblivious to his presence,” Price said, confirming the pair were in the act.

Since they were having sex in a garbage truck, I guess it’s not surprising that they didn’t notice the police officer. The dude was “taken into custody on an unrelated outstanding warrant.” The “30-year-old woman was simply told to go home.”

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