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So this 78-year-old woman thinks her 84-year-old husband had an affair 35 years ago. What did she do? As reported by The Daily Herald:

The woman allegedly told police she pushed her husband down and hit him with a bowl and a metal pipe. Investigators recovered the woman’s diary in which she allegedly wrote, “I beat him again.” The diary described how she hit her husband with a carpet sweeper and went after him with a knife. The diary entry also stated that “I told him it would be worth going to jail just to watch him bleed to death,” [Snohomish County deputy prosecutor Valerie] Shapiro wrote.

A witness told police the woman admitted that she had kicked her husband three times in the groin over the last six months because she believed he’d had an affair 35 years ago, according to court documents.

Damn! His injuries?

The man suffered several broken ribs, a shattered pelvis and a fractured wrist, … Shapiro wrote in court documents.

The woman was charged with assault and remains in jail on $70,000 bond. Here’s the source.

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The headline from the story by WXYZ in Detroit sums it up nicely: “Teacher By Day, Inmate By Night.” For 30 days anyway, when Mr. Donald Colpaert is not teaching social studies to middle schoolers in Macomb County, he’s in jail. Here’s an exchange between WXYZ reporter Heather Catallo and Mr. Colpaert:

“I’m wondering why you’re still teaching if you’re in jail? I’m not in jail. I’m bringing lunch for my friends. No, you’re going back to your work release position. How can you be a role model for your students? Are you familiar with what’s going on at all with the case? Why don’t you tell us? I don’t really feel like explaining it. The court’s done a pretty good job of that.”

Alrighty then.

According to court records, the secretary says Colpaert started harassing her husband with phone calls and text messages after she decided to patch up her marriage.

During a hearing to obtain personal protection orders against Colpaert – the secretary and her husband submitted several of Colpaert’s email messages to Macomb County Judge Ed Servitto.

In one from October – Colpaert writes to another school co-worker about what he was allegedly planning to do at a party that the secretary was going to attend with her husband. One message states: “me and some of my friends will be waiting outside.” and “the s**t is definitely gonna hit the fan.” In another message Colpaert allegedly told the party hostess “I cant [sic] and WILL NOT promise that nothing will go down at your house.”

As for the text messages that Colpaert allegedly sent to the secretary’s husband – they’re so obscene we can not describe them on television.

Damn it! The Juice is not fond of censorship. Anyway, here’s how Mr. Colpaert ended up in jail:

When the judge granted the PPOs for the school secretary and her husband, according to the hearing transcript, he had some strong words for the teacher. Judge Servitto said “I can’t believe you’re an educator.” He also told Colpaert: “I don’t know that you should be a teacher. I don’t know. It just amazes me”

What’s truly amazing is that Donald Colpaert violated the PPO within minutes of leaving Servitto’s courtroom.

According to police reports, in the court hallway– Colpaert told the secretary’s husband, “we could have settled this man to man, it’s on now, it’s on.”

After those comments – a judge sent Colpaert to jail for 30 days for violating the PPO.

So it’s definitely “on,” with the “it” being the pokey, not an asskicking. How does tenure fit into the equation?

The Van Dyke Public School District did suspend Donald Colpaert for 3 days without pay for violating a directive they had given him to stop contacting the secretary. An attorney for the district tells Action News at this point, that’s the highest level of punishment that can be leveled against a tenured teacher.

Time to take a long, hard look at those tenure provisions.

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It can’t feel good to be dumped. (Like The Juice would know?) But surely it must be better than having your penis nearly bitten off? The question could be posed to a 56-year-old Belgian man who has some serious teeth marks on his … Per The West Australian:

A Thai woman bit her Belgian boyfriend’s penis out of jealousy during sex, but doctors managed to save the nearly-severed organ, police and reports said today.

“We still don’t know the identity of the suspect or whether he wants her to be prosecuted,” police Lieutenant Colonel Norwich Chulavanich said.

Local media reported that the pair quarrelled after she learned the Belgian man was having an affair with another Thai woman.

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There might be a webcam on you … right now. There’s definitely one on Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park, as 6 trespassers found out. Some folks watching it online saw them leave the boardwalk, and saw 2 of them urinate on Old Faithful! They called park rangers, and the suspects were rounded up, as reported by redgreenandblue.org. (Click on the link for the webcam photos.) What happened to them? Per the AP,

Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers [at the Old Faithful Inn] have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.

Park spokesman Al Nash says a 23-year-old man on Tuesday was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. The man also was banned from Yellowstone for two years.

The second employee’s case is pending.

The geyser was not erupting at the time.

If it was, that likely would have been punishment enough …

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I immediately thought of “Fight Club” when I read this story. As reported by Forbes.com:

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

Quoting Fawn Leibowitz’s “Animal House” friends, “Ewwwwww!” But is it legal?

Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department.

To read more (a fair amount) click here. (One guess – What is the main ingredient in the soap in “Fight Club”?)

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For the sake of argument, let’s say you have, oh, roughly 296 marijuana plants growing in your basement. The police come to your door, asking if they can search your house. You say … yes? You do if you are Nathan King, Jr. of Kanawha County, West Virginia. Shockingly, Mr. King was arrested and charged with cultivating marijuana, as reported by wsaz.com. Dude!

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This is a lesson that a Unity College (Maine) student learned the hard way. After school is over, and your cleaning out your room, MAKE SURE TO TAKE YOUR MARIJUANA PLANTS WITH YOU! Per the Portland Press Herald:

Unity College held its graduation ceremonies Saturday. Security guards on Sunday were checking dorm rooms to make sure they were emptied when they discovered the plants in plastic containers around 7:47 p.m., police said.

Annica D. McGuirk, 19, of Cabot, Ark., has been charged with cultivation of marijuana, and sale and use of marijuana … according to the Waldo County Sheriff’s Office.

If you’re one of those folks who goes through a hotel room or wherever for a final sweep, and you get derided for it, take some comfort knowing that you would have seen those pot plants, and had a much better summer than the one that awaits Ms. McGuirk.

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Okay, so it would be his 8th strike. But really, do you want to send a 31-year-old man away for life for stealing a laptop and a tv? As reported by kfor.com:

Brew is always on the move at Pope Distributing in Enid, but beer wasn’t what was on tap for a couple of criminals who recently paid Pope’s an unwelcome visit and stole a television and laptop computer.

Officers arrested 31-year-old Conan Carson, who is now charged with second-degree burglary. Come to find, he has seven previous felony convictions and because of his lengthy criminal history, Carson could face life behind bars.

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They must really need dermatologists in Edmonton. Either that or perhaps they make it a practice to coddle offending doctors. Dr. Paul Lubitz had sex with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of his patients. Really, should this guy be practicing medicine? [No!] He is, after serving an 18-month suspension.

And check out this comment from a website with consumer comments on health care providers [it’s the 3/20/08 entry]:

I am a former staff member of Dr.Lubitz. I was terminated, along with all the other staff, when he “Fell ill”. NONE of us were given our vacation pay or severance and were told we would have to sue if we wanted it! I can also tell you that he wrote the reviews on this page on 6/7/07 – the first listed one, and 6/6/07 – the positive review! I saw him do it. He is not a nice man, and always treated his staff horribly. He only cares about himself!

Zoinks!

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Even if this is technically a crime (like you never speed!), what kind of person would report this? Very uncool. The guy wasn’t hurting anybody. As reported by The Republican-American:

A man from Stonington faces public indecency charges after state police said he was driving nude on Interstate 84 on Wednesday morning. Police arrested Seth Roberts, 30, of 1 Minor St., at about 10:50 a.m. Roberts also was charged with breach of peace.

I’m always looking for positives, so consider this: he wasn’t drunk! And apparently he wasn’t speeding either! I’ll take a safe, nude driver over a clothed, unsafe one every time.

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