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So this 78-year-old woman thinks her 84-year-old husband had an affair 35 years ago. What did she do? As reported by The Daily Herald:

The woman allegedly told police she pushed her husband down and hit him with a bowl and a metal pipe. Investigators recovered the woman’s diary in which she allegedly wrote, “I beat him again.” The diary described how she hit her husband with a carpet sweeper and went after him with a knife. The diary entry also stated that “I told him it would be worth going to jail just to watch him bleed to death,” [Snohomish County deputy prosecutor Valerie] Shapiro wrote.

A witness told police the woman admitted that she had kicked her husband three times in the groin over the last six months because she believed he’d had an affair 35 years ago, according to court documents.

Damn! His injuries?

The man suffered several broken ribs, a shattered pelvis and a fractured wrist, … Shapiro wrote in court documents.

The woman was charged with assault.

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Yes, Juice readers, this is still on the books, like all laws The Juice writes about.

860.11 – Injuring railroad structures; driving cattle on tracks.—Whoever … salts the track of any railroad company for the purpose of attracting cattle thereto … shall be guilty of a felony of the second degree …

The cows are coming! The cows are coming! Here’s the statute.(Click on “Chapter 860,” then “860.11.”)

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If you think your parents ever embarrassed you, step aside, and let this girl through. She is clearly at the front of the line. As reported by thelocal.de:

A German judge has dismissed a lawsuit by a couple of swingers after their 15-year-old daughter discovered a video of them in a sex club with their faces undisguised on the website of TV channel RTL.

Can’t top that, can you? Didn’t think so. How did it happen?

The production company responsible for producing the report for RTL had meant to pixelate the couple’s faces but forgot, according to a report in the Süddeutsche Zeitung on Thursday.

So …

The swinging parents wanted compensation for the alleged pain and suffering their family faced after the embarrassing revelations.

Just one problem …

… the presiding judge said that in order to proceed with the lawsuit, the girl would have had to appear in court to testify and describe her shock – something he said she should be spared.

“I wouldn’t want be in your shoes,” he told the parents, according to the Süddeutsche. “That’s simply embarrassing.”

He explained that the parents weren’t due compensation because they had agreed to the filming in the first place and the production mistake had been an honest one.

So how do we get out of this mess?

[The judge] suggested a compromise: That the production company and RTL pay the parents a small fee for their appearance and cover their legal expenses of about €3,000 [euros].

After all, he said, the fact that real people could say “this is what these people look like” probably made the show even more successful than normal.

That “small fee” better be going to that poor girl. Here’s the source.

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When you hear the facts, you’ll no doubt agree that the boyfriend clearly had it coming. As reported by lancasteronline.com:

An officer responded to Lancaster General Hospital at 9:39 a.m. Monday for a report of a stabbing victim, city police said in a criminal complaint.

A 19-year-old Lancaster man said he had been stabbed at 11 p.m. Sunday in the 600 block of St. Joseph Street, police said. He sustained two one-inch lacerations to his left arm.

Jasmine Marie Rivera, 18, of the first block of East Walnut Street, admitted that she had stabbed the man, who is her boyfriend, police said.

Ouch. So what did he to do deserve being stabbed?

She said she had become upset because she had waited outside for him Sunday and he took too long to arrive.

She has a knife, and apparently a bad temper. The Juice hopes he never cheats on her …

Rivera was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and simple assault before District Judge Cheryl Hartman, city police Lt. Todd Umstead said.

Unsecured bail was set at $15,000, and Rivera was released Monday night.

Here’s the source, including a photo of Ms. Rivera.

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Yeah, firing a bottle rocket out of your butt is never a good idea. And it’s even worse if it fails to launch! From the recently filed West Virginia case of Helmburg v. The Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity and Travis Hughes:

Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated … and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot a bottle rocket out of his anus on the ATO deck …

Plaintiff and his girlfriend were also present on the ATO deck.

Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rock blew up in Defendant’s rectum, and this startled plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent to the deck.

So, you might be wondering, what legal duties does the plaintiff allege were breached by ATO?

ATO owed plaintiff a duty … to supervise its guests and its own fraternity members, such as Defendant Hughes, and other under age persons, from consuming alcohol on its premises, which leads to stupid and dangerous activities, such as shooting bottle rockets out of one’s own anus.

What about Mr. Hughes?

Defendant Hughes also owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to file bottle rockets out of his anus.

And here’s a count for both defendants:

Plaintiff asserts that the activity of underage drinking and firing bottle rockets out of one’s own anus constitutes an “ultra-hazardous” activity which exposes both of these defendants to strict liability.

A painful night, all around.

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For this judge, the job is apparently not all about banging away on a gavel and doling out some justice. Although she has only been charged, it’s not looking good. As reported by lancasteronline.com:

A Lancaster city district judge has been removed from the bench after she was charged Monday with a dozen criminal offenses.

The charges relate to District Judge Kelly S. Ballentine dismissing three of her own parking tickets last year and in 2010, according to a police affidavit.

After a lengthy investigation, the state Attorney General filed 12 charges, including nine felonies, regarding Ballentine’s conduct while on the bench.

She’s charged with tampering with public records (six counts), restricted activities due to a conflict of interest (three counts), and obstruction of the administration of law (three counts).

As of Monday, Ballentine will no longer hear cases or serve as district judge.

“At this time, I have issued an order that she be placed on indefinite administrative leave until all criminal charges are resolved,” said Lancaster County President Judge Joseph Madenspacher, who has authority over the county magistrates.

If you’re wondering how the Judge will get by, here’s how.

Ballentine will receive pay during that time, [Judge] Madenspacher said. “I have no power to suspend her.”

Here’s the skinny:

According to records, Ballentine dismissed three of her own tickets for parking illegally in front of her house.

Ballentine, 43, dismissed a no-parking ticket and an expired registration ticket in December 2010 and a no-parking ticket in January 2011, the affidavit shows.

As The Juice said, it’s not looking good. Here’s the source.

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Such a brilliant hiding place. Who would possibly notice a large protrusion in the front of your pants? As reported by triblocal.com (Naperville, Illinois):

A 28-year-old man from the 200 block of North Smith Street, Aurora, was arrested about 6:08 p.m. Feb. 6 in the 2900 block of Audrey Avenue and charged with retail theft after placing a spool of copper wiring valued at $105 into the front of his pants.

Hey, how’d that get there? Doh!

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How could a 55-year-old man get arrested for playing on a trampoline? Here’s how, as reported by stv.tv.

As [his neighbor] looked out of her window, she saw James Burden stark naked with a cigarette in one hand and his genitals in the other. Falkirk Sheriff Court heard the gobsmacked victim told police that 55-year-old Burden was “as bold as brass …and purposeful”.

“gobsmacked” … nice

Mike McMahon, prosecuting, said that the woman, who lives in a block of four flats in Falkirk’s Westquarter, had got up to go to her bathroom as 5.14am on March 25 this year.

As she passed her kitchen window, she saw Burden – her upstairs neighbour – in the back garden. She then saw Burden approach the back door of the block of flats.

The woman rushed into her living room and called police. Mr McMahon said: “He told police he had gone out to the trampoline and had masturbated himself there.”

Zoinks! If you’re wondering “why?” …

… Burden told officers: “Just for the thrill of it.” He added: “I did not intend anyone to see me.”

Burden, of Yew Terrace, Westquarter, pled guilty to publicly exposing his person in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour’s house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm.

The time?

Sheriff Craig Caldwell deferred sentence until next month for reports.

There’s probably not a lot of precedent for this particular crime.

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This is an example of a ridiculously over-the-top reaction to a totally harmless “event.” As reported by wdam.com:

Bond has been set for a JCJC student who was arrested for a hand written note claiming there was a bomb on campus.

Sounds serious, right? Nope, as you’ll see below.

Judge Billie Graham set a $20,000 bond for Harold Wayne Hadley Jr., 19. Hadley was arrested at his home in Seminary on Tuesday after the note was found in a bathroom at the industrial services building on the JCJC campus. In all, 11 agencies responded to the threat, but no bomb was found. Officials said Hadley was arrested after they matched his handwriting to the note, which was written on toilet paper. His family says the word “bomb” is often used by Hadley in reference to a bodily function and not an explosive device.

In case you haven’t figured it out, “bomb” = “fart”.

“He was in the restroom doodling on some toilet paper and I am going to just let modesty go and tell you we are from the country, and so he calls passing gas, bombs,” said Hadley’s Aunt. “So, he was doodling on the toilet paper and put I passed a bomb in the library, talking about passing gas and somebody come in and found it, give it to the teacher that recognized his hand writing and it blow all out of proportion.”

He was doodling on toilet paper, people, about farting!

While investigators will not reveal exactly what was written down by Hadley, they tell News Seven that the written bomb threat was more explicit than “I passed a bomb in the library”

Sure. Probably can’t say because of “national security.” It couldn’t be that they were just embarrassed.

Hadley’s family says he was an all “A” student who was scheduled to graduate in May. Meanwhile, he remains in the Jones County jail.

Well, we can all rest safely now… Here’s the source.

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All this time it was right under your nose. So close to your nose, in fact, that one would think you would have smelled it. As reported by scotsman.com:

A cannabis farm has been discovered yards away from a city-centre police station.

And it was only discovered by chance.

More than 300 plants, worth £100,000, were found on the third floor of a disused multi-story warehouse after a blaze in the building, which is 40 yards away from, and opposite, Manchester’s Bootle Street [police] station.

It is thought the fire may have been started by an electrical short circuit that affected lighting used to grow the plants.

Curse you, fuse box! Here’s the source.