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It is abundantly clear that you just don’t mess with Malone. That dog can flat-out smell, as a gent with a full cavity discovered. As reported by kvia.com (El Paso, Texas):

The seizure was made at approximately 1:30 p.m. Monday at the Paso Del Norte pedestrian crossing. A 35-year-old U.S. citizen from El Paso entered the port from Mexico and was selected for a secondary exam by CBP officers. CBP drug sniffing dog “Malone” alerted to the man. During the course of an interview with CBP officers the subject admitted that he had heroin concealed within his body. The subject removed a single oval shaped pellet from an internal cavity. The contents of the 136 gram bundle tested positive for heroin.

CBP officers took custody of the subject and turned him over to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement HSI special agents for arrest. Federal prosecution was accepted and HSI agents booked the subject, Paulo Alfredo Macias, into the El Paso County Jail where he is currently being detained without bond.

“From an internal cavity …”? Why not just say it was in his anal cavity, or his anus, or his butt? Is there any other plausible “internal cavity” other than the one he used to fess up? You’ll find the source here.

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Although there are occasionally extenuating circumstances, generally being late is just plain rude. In this case, there were definitely extenuating circumstances. Late would have been just fine. In an attempt not to be too late, this lady really, really screwed up. As reported by sfgate.com:

A California Highway Patrol officer was on duty on southbound Highway 101 near Golf Course Boulevard in Sonoma County about 8:50 p.m. Friday when Katherine Russell, 34, of Rohnert Park sped past him in a Toyota 4Runner at 90 mph in a construction zone, authorities said. By the time he caught up to her, she was going 100 mph, said CHP Officer Jonathan Sloat.

Russell exited at Highway 116 and stopped. She told the officer she was late to her child’s birthday party, Sloat said.

Really? That’s your excuse? Are you high? Well …

Tests showed her blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent, the CHP said.

She was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving without a license and traffic violations.

Maybe she’s an alcoholic. She’s definitely an Idiot. Here’s the source.

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In a country where past cases have made it quite clear that one may not insult police officers with impunity, this would seem to be a no-brainer. But what is considered an insult is unclear, as this case demonstrates. As reported by DutchNews.nl:

A homeless man has been cleared by the High Court of insulting a police officer by calling him a mierenneuker – literally ant-fucker – a term used in popular speech to describe people who stick obsessively to the rules.

The court said it depended on the context in which it is used whether or not the word should be considered swearing. Only if mierenneuker is used with the intention to insult or cause offence is it a swearword, the NRC quoted the High Court as saying.

The case dates back to 2010 when the man, known as Sietze J, called a policeman a mierenneuker for throwing away his can of beer. Lower courts ruled J had insulted the police officer and the case went to appeal.

This is all stupid, but really? Just to show you what a stupid and subjective mess the Court has created, check out these cases:

In 2009, a 31-year-old man from Tilburg was fined €170 for insulting behaviour after wearing a t-shirt combining the word ‘corrupt’ with the police logo. People have also been fined for waving a middle finger (the Dutch equivalent to the two-fingered V-sign) at a police officer and calling a policeman ‘homo’.

And these …

Last January, the High Court ordered the retrial of a man who was given a fine of €200 for wearing a jacket featuring the letters ACAB because it was insulting to the police.

The letters are said to stand for All Cops Are Bastards. Earlier, three other men were fined €330 each for wearing t-shirts with the numbers 1312 printed on them, which stands for the same thing.

To borrow a word from the Dutch, too much ant-fucking. Here’s the source.

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Sure, lots of folks pick up a few keepsakes when they’re on vacation. Maybe something to remind them of the fun they had on the trip. Well check out what this man picked up in Tibet, as reported by The Highline Times (Washington State):

A traveler was stopped at the Sea-Tac Airport by a dog that smelled something funny. Customs and Border Protection agriculture specialists contacted the man and he told them he had four yak skulls in his duffel bag. The traveler told the specialists he found two of the skulls while hiking in Tibet. He also bought two yak skulls at a village store to keep as souvenirs. Two of the skulls had dried flesh on them, which is what alerted a federal Beagle named Woody. An Agriculture program manager said the skulls were destroyed under high-pressure steam to prevent the introduction of animal diseases.

Nothing like a fleshy yak skull to start that stroll down memory lane.

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The scale of this formal postal worker’s thievery is truly mind-boggling. As reported by 9news.com, he stole about 11,000 packages over a 2-year period!

Schmauder targeted packages sent from retailers like Amazon.com, looking for DVDs and CDs he could re-sell. Additionally, Schmauder stole Victoria’s Secret lingerie which he gave to his wife. He admitted to stealing as many as 50 packages a night for two years.

What did he do with all that stuff?

Schmauder resold the stolen items to Angelo’s Movies, Music and Gifts, a Littleton store which bills itself as the largest independent music store in the Denver area. Receipts showed Angelo’s paid Schmauder $85,174 for 11,829 items.

Sweet Mary! The sentence?

U.S. District Court Judge Christine Arguello sentenced Schmauder to 30 months, or two and a half years, in federal prison, the maximum according to sentencing guidelines …

You can read more (a fair amount, including information on his mental illness defense) and see a video of the story here.

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After this experience, it’s hard to imagine any of these young men snorting anything again, EVER. Although they thought they were snorting drugs, turns out they were snorting dogs and a man. Yes, you read that correctly. As reported in The New York Post:

Waldo Soroa, 19; Matrix Andaluz, 18; Jose Marrero, 19; and two juveniles broke into a house in Florida, spotted white powder in two urns, decided it was coke or heroin, and promptly began snorting it, officials said.

Nope.

… the “drugs” turned out to be the cremated remains of homeowner Holli Tencza’s dad and her two Great Danes.

The [young men] said they eventually realized their mistake, and had a brief attack of conscience.

“Brief” being the key word …

They talked about returning the ashes that were left, but then they decided their fingerprints would be pulled off the urns, so they dumped the evidence in a nearby lake.

[HT to a regular reader (who wishes to remain anonymous – can you blame him?) for bringing this story to The Juice’s attention.]

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You are a 77-year-old man, unloading groceries from your car, when a guy comes up to you with a gun, demanding that you empty your pockets. You do it, right? Not if you are Pat Gillespie of Flint, Michigan. As reported by mlive.com:

Gillespie had a bag with a two-liter of Pepsi, and he took a swing and hit the man. The man got a shot off, hitting Gillespie in the groin.

Your weapon against a gun is a two-liter Pepsi container? And?

The man, who was with another male, ran off empty handed.

UFB. Said Mr. Gillespie …

“I didn’t want to give them nothing.”

What about that shot to the groin?

…Gillespie was taken to the hospital but later released.

There was little appearance that he was shot, other than a hospital wristband. He said he feels fine, although he is just a little sore.

That’s one tough dude. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

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Like everyone else (except the perps), The Juice is pleased when drunk drivers make things easy for the fuzz. As reported by The Beacon-News (Illinois):

A 43-year-old Oswego woman was charged with drunken driving after police responded to calls about a woman throwing up out of her car at 6:40 p.m. Monday near Ashlawn Avenue and Circle Drive West, Oswego police said. Officers found the car driving in the 0-99 block of West Jefferson Street. Tessy Callas, of the 0-99 block of West Jefferson Street, Oswego, was also charged with illegal transportation of liquor, police said.

Other than vomiting, what else do drunk people do? Here’s a hint: zzzzzzzzzz.

Selina Nieto, 33, of the 200 block of Abbeywood Lane, North Aurora, was charged with drunken driving last week after police were called for a woman asleep at the gas pumps in the 500 block of Montgomery Road, police said Monday.

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Perhaps the only time it’s safe to laugh in open court is when the judge does. A North Carolina man thought otherwise, and paid for it in a big way. As reported by The Fayetteville Observer:

A Cumberland County judge didn’t find it funny when a man kept laughing in her courtroom Friday.

Judge Toni King asked Johnny Montgomery, 47, what was so amusing. According to the Sheriff’s Office, Montgomery told her, “It’s none of your business.”

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How can The Juice be so certain that Jennifer Bibby, a 63-year-old neighborhood watch leader will catch the person who vandalized cars in her neighborhood? Because she did it! CCTV may be intrusive, but it doesn’t lie. As reported by swns.com:

Police officer’s widow Jennifer Bibby, 63, is an upstanding churchgoer and well-respected as a neighbourhood watch leader in a tight-knit community.

But she has been arrested and cautioned for criminal damage after being caught on CCTV attacking the cars of neighbours Clare Leverton and Suzanne Hoole.

Clare had suffered a number of vandalism attacks over recent years and believed hooded yobs were responsible for the latest damage, which occurred on Bonfire Night.

But Clare was stunned when the CCTV system she installed to catch the culprits spotted Jennifer covering the vehicles with flour and eggs.

Single mother-of-two Clare, who runs Attitudes Hair and Beauty in Hoddesdon, Herts., admitted she was ”shocked” when she saw Jennifer on the footage.

Clare, 44, said: ”The vandalism had been going on for years at my house so we decided to put up some CCTV cameras as a last resort.

What did Ms. Bibby have to say for herself?

”She denied everything to the police until they said ‘you are on CCTV’ and then she admitted it.”

Doh! You can read more (a fair amount) here.