Articles Posted in Wacky

If you want your horse to race in North America, the name must be approved by the Jockey Club. Andy Hillis wanted to name his horse “Nutzapper” after hearing it used in a joke on the Tonight Show. So Hillis told the Jockey Club (as reported in Slate) that he wanted the name because (prepare to dab away the tears) “as a young boy in Canada, he loved to zap walnuts in boiling oil and sprinkle them on salads.” With this explanation, the name was approved. Then Hillis just had to crow to a reporter that he’d never been to Canada, and had made up the whole story.

The racing gods were not amused. They zapped the name almost immediately. Hillis sued and he … lost! Just like the Jockey Club knew he would, because they had recently won a similar suit. (“Nutzapper” is now known as “Awaiting Justice.” Lame.) So what are the Jockey Club’s naming rules?

No horse can have a name longer than 18 characters, a name that breaches a copyright or has obvious commercial significance, or the name of a “notorious” person. Emphatically forbidden are “names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups.”

Now that you know the rules, you might be surprised that the following names have been approved by the Jockey Club:

Nut Buster (1942)

Oh no you didn’t K-Mart. You didn’t just charge Mary Bach tax on that toilet paper. Everybody knows that, unlike other paper goods, toilet paper is not taxed in Pennsylvania. No, Ms. Bach is not making a federal case out it – just a teeny, tiny $100 state court case. Now maybe you think a lawsuit over 14 cents is trivial. Perhaps you didn’t know that Ms. Bach went back to the store just to see if they corrected the problem. They didn’t. So she’s owed 28 cents.

Why sue for $100? Because that’s the amount allowed under Pennsylvania’s Unfair Trade Practices and Consumer Protection Law. And if you think I’m ridiculing Ms. Bach, you’re wrong. I salute her. If nobody watches these little things, companies will get away with them. And if you multiply the little things by the number of purchases, they’re not little things any more. To read about this and other dragons Ms. Bach has slayed in the past (and there have been a few) click here.

Maybe you wouldn’t be so impressed if I told you that Elizabeth Okazaki pretended to be a student for 4 months at UCLA, even obtaining a BruinCard that allowed her to use the recreational facilities (where she stored some of her stuff!) and the libraries. She just got busted, and booted. But her prior stint?

She posed as a physics graduate student at Stanford University for four years! Apparently Stanford is a real destination for fake students. They recently discovered that a woman who lived in a dorm and attended classes for a year was a fake student! Crazy.

Ethel Schaper, age 87, loved to read. Up until she died a couple weeks ago from a stroke, she read about 2 books every week. When Camilla Trinchieri was going through her mom’s things, she found a book her mom had checked out of the library. So Ms. Trinchieri took the book back to the library, and the librarian said that she owed 50 cents! Said Ms. Trinchieri:

I told him that maybe he didn’t hear me right, that my mother had just died, otherwise I’m sure that she would have returned it on time.His only reply was that, ‘That will be 50 cents.’

Damn! So what did Ms. Trinchieri do? She paid the 50 cents.

Surely, upon learning about this, the powers that be would apologize? Nope. The response from the Harrison Public Libary: incident confirmed, no further comment. Before you foreswear ever going to the Harrison Public Library again, know that there is at least one beating heart there. A few days after the incident, an employee of the library called Ms. Trinchieri to apologize, and offered to return the 50 cents.

How the hell was this done? Somebody just waltzed into Victoria’s Secret in Flagstaff, Arizona and stole 350 bras! Mind you, the store was open. And for some reason, the anti-theft tags did not trigger the alarm. The haul has a retail value of about $15,000.

(No, that’s not the shirt!) Ilinois high school senior David Clark will have to think twice, though he’s worn the shirt before, without incident. But not this time. So what did it say? “I [heart] My Wiener” with a picture of a dachsund under it. See, David’s dachsund was hit by a car and killed a few months back. The shirt is David’s way of honoring his dog.

Unfortunately, Principal Wes Choate didn’t see it that way. He gave David 3 choices: change shirts, turn it inside out, or leave. When faced with these stupid choices, David made the best one: he left – even though it meant getting a zero in each class. David Sr. makes a good point about the arbitrary dress code, which prohibits

students from wearing any clothing that is disrupting to the educational process, interferes with the maintenance of a positive teaching and learning climate or compromises reasonable standards of health, safety and decency.

What mission? Apparently to become an irritant to everyone in town. He’s having some success, too. George Gerhold was a policeman in North Jersey for 25 years. Perhaps he shouldn’t have retired. Here’s what he’s been up to since then, per NewJersey.com:

Police Chief William Smith confirmed that Gerhold has driven down his cul-de-sac when children are playing in an effort to chase them away. Smith said it’s technically illegal for kids to play on the street and Gerhold seems determined to enforce the letter of the law. But deliberately driving a car on the street when children are there? “He waits until the kids are in the street” the chief lamented.

In July 2007, he signed nearly 40 citizen complaints for what he claimed were parking violations on his dead-end street by visitors to a townwide garage sale. When some of the alleged violators showed up in court Tuesday to fight these complaints and the $54 fine, Gerhold wasn’t there. And instead of dismissing the complaints, the judge postponed the hearing!

In another case, Chief Smith said, Gerhold charged a landscaper with criminal trespassing after branches the landscaper cut on a neighbor’s tree fell into Gerhold’s yard. The landscaper picked up the branches, but Gerhold filed his complaint anyway – and won the case. “I couldn’t believe it,” the chief said.

Damn! Next time you have a problem with someone in your neighborhood, just think how much worse it could be!

“Give me your phone and your keys,” said the mugger, or something like that. Then, he took her shoes off, and LICKED HER TOES! Shazam!

Other than the slobber on her toes, and most likely being totally freaked out, the woman was unharmed. The mugger/toe licker was busted a few blocks away. You can read more (very little) here.

Cab Driver Tewfik Boukhelal jumped out of his cab – while it was moving! This was not okay with his two passengers, especially the one who was knocked unconscious as she too jumped out of the moving cab. Why did he do this? Because Mr. Boukhelal thought the passengers (1) had released a substance, and (2) were going to steal from him. Say what? I’m having a really hard time reconciling these thoughts. Headache coming. (See below.)

The Judge hearing the case remarked that it was “the most bizarre case of dangerous driving” he’d ever seen. The penalty? No more driving for Mr. Boukhelal, at least for the next 18 months. He was also put on probation for 12 months, given 160 hours of community service, and must retake the driving test. No worries, though. He found a new job as a translator. You will find the rest of the story here.