Articles Posted in Best Of

Here are some interesting excuses offered by speeding drivers, as recalled by a Tennessee judge and some police officers, per The Murfreesboro Post:

… When he asked why she sped, the driver replied, “My colon has fallen in my vaginal canal.” Spence wrote her a ticket anyway. He figured she could bring medical proof to court if she wanted to contest the ticket. She paid it without a hearing.

Smyrna Police Traffic Officer Casey Hughey stopped a speeding driver and asked about the reason for traveling so fast. “My colonoscopy bag is leaking,” the driver replied. “Prove it,” Huey said. When the driver proved his case, Huey simply told the driver, “Have a nice night.”

Murfreesboro Police spokesman Kyle Evans, a former traffic officer, said he stopped a man and inquired about the reason for speeding. “The reason I was going so fast is because I couldn’t see the speedometer,” the driver said. Evans peered inside the car and the speedometer appeared fine. The driver explained. “Sir, I had my head so far up my butt there’s no way I could possibly see how fast I was going,” the driver said. “After a few short laughs and a warning citation, he was on his way,” Evans remembered. “It was the most original excuse I’ve heard in my 10 years as a traffic officer.”

Tennessee Highway Patrol Trooper Kay Peay clocked a man driving more than 100 mph on U.S. Highway 231 South (Shelbyville Highway) one cold morning. “Why are you going that fast?” Peay asked. He replied he was trying to get his window to defog because he couldn’t see. “Let me get this straight,” Peay said. “You’re going 100 mph because you couldn’t see?” “Right,” the driver answered. He got a ticket.

THP Sgt. Rick Smith said he’s had several drivers ride right behind him when he’s driving with his lights and sirens on while responding to an emergency call. In one case, a “silver-spoon-fed 18-year-old driving a Mercedes” chased Smith responding to an crash call. Finally, Smith got behind the driver and pulled him over. The driver complained at the scene and later to Judge Loughry that Smith entrapped him. “He told the judge I said he was a smart a–,” Smith said. “The judge told him he tended to agree with me.”

Say what? Yuk. Nice one. Dork. Mama’s boy. Click here to read more.

Some people, like Principal Ethna Haines, get carried away with their power. Fortunately, the legislative branch is there to keep them in check. The Havant Borough Council has totally BUSTED this crazed megalomaniac for … painting her school to yellow! Before taking this bold stance against colorfulness, people used to ask of the Council, “Haven’t they got anything better to do?” Now we know that they do. This!

Of her outrageous decision to paint a school for 2-9 year-olds yellow, Ms. Haines said: “Other parts of our building are already painted yellow and we use the colour to make the school a bright, positive experience for small children.” Said the contractor who defiled the school: “I think the colour really brightens the whole place up and the children love it.”

Thank goodness for the voice of reason, the Council. Per Council officer Sarah Hain: “The bright yellow colour for the walls seriously detracts from the character and appearance of the conservation area and adversely affects the outlook of neighbouring occupiers.” Mercy! By a vote of 7-5, the Council agreed. Ms. Haines has 4 months to change the color to a dark-stained timber. “Pish,” she said. [not really, but she should have.] She did say that she’s going to appeal the decision, and has no plans to paint the school a darker color. Here’s hoping she wins. To see the school, click here.

Not only did Adam Michael Kelly “violate” a parking meter, he also cussed out a police officer! Brilliant! As reported by The Cairns Post:

Police were called to a disturbance at the corner of Shields and Abbott streets on August 31 about 8.40pm and found Kelly dry-humping a parking meter and yelling out: “Yeah baby, you know you want it.”

Police prosecutor Sen-Constable Michelle Long said Kelly was making large pelvic thrust actions and officers saw people walking by reacting with disgust at the performance.

This definitely sets a new standard for beer goggles … Although some might find the parking meter behavior humorous, the conduct that followed was extremely offensive:

Then, while talking to police, a woman of Asian appearance walked by and in a loud voice Kelly looked at her and said “fucking gook, fuck off home”, Sen-Constable Long said. [expletives reinserted]

At that point, police arrested the young labourer and took him to the watch-house.

The defense?

Kelly’s lawyer Richard O’Shane said his client had been extremely drunk after an extended binge-drinking session with teammates to celebrate the end of the CDRL football season.

“He can’t remember much of the incident,” Mr O’Shane said.

You know the crime. The time?

…Kelly spent the night in the watch-house … and was fined $150 in court yesterday for causing a public nuisance.

Here’s the source.

I would say “only in America,” but this happened in Scotland, pursuant to European human rights laws. Seems that in some Scottish prisons, for a number of years, the prisoners had to “slop out” (clean out) their own toilets. And? Per the Daily Record:

The slopping-out bonanza began in 2004 when knife-wielding mugger Robert Napier used European human rights law to win a court case against the prison service.

So now Scottish prisoners, and ex-prisoners, are cashing in. As for the title of the post …

A drug dealer used his s2000 compensation payout for “slopping out” in jail to buy heroin to sell to his pals.

The taxpayers’ money allowed scheming junkie Joseph Torano to get a discount on the drugs by buying in bulk.

Here’s how the bust of Mr. Torano went down:

Police raided the house after a tip-off. Hannah Kennedy, prosecuting, said Torano appeared from a bedroom in his underwear and a wrap of heroin fell out of his boxer shorts.

Detectives saw something in his mouth, which turned out to be another package of drugs, and a full body search uncovered a third stash.

And check out the language this Member of Parliament used to describe the situation, which has already cost the Scottish taxpayers millions:

“The SNP Scottish government will end slopping out and clean up the mess these administrations have created.”

Get it? “… clean up the mess …” Brilliant! To read more (quite a bit) click here.

No doubt regular readers know that The Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I’ve seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

… the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye’s wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.

Yes, really. So here’s what Joseph Decker, of Hughestown, Pennsylvania, had on the back window of his truck:

IF YOU’RE IN AMERICA & CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH GET THE FUCK OUT!

I think that’s idiotic, and I don’t think Joe (Decker, not “the Plumber”) would have a problem with my opinion. As reported by WNEP:

“Some people give me thumbs up, they say, ‘Yeah, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.’ Some people say, ‘Oh, that’s stupid you shouldn’t have that on there.’ Everybody has an opinion,” Decker said Tuesday.

The Juice is a First Amendment diehard, but the local fuzz? Nope.

[Mr. Decker] was recently cited by Hughestown police for disorderly conduct because of the “obscene language” on his truck. He’s fighting that charge.

And he’s going to win. He has the law on his side, and a lawyer, Barry Diller, who has won 2 similar cases recently.

Dawn Herb of Scranton was charged for swearing at her overflowing toilet. People outside heard her. A judge ruled Herb’s First Amendment right to free speech was violated. She won a settlement of $19,000.

Dyller said he also won a settlement of $19,000 for a man from Larksville charged with swearing at police.

Is it just me, or does it seem like these cases are worth somewhere in the neighborhood of, say, $19,000?

People always ask how I find the stories for Legal Juice. I found this one on the back page of the “A” section of yesterday’s Washington Post. I was skimming a full-page ad for a new allergy drug called “Xyzal.” Ignore, if you can, the idiotic name “Xyzal.” In the not-so-fine print, I read the following:

Do not take Xyzal if you are allergic to Xyzal …

I had to read it again, and again, because it was SO STUPID. I’m trying to think of an equally stupid analogy, but I can’t!

But there’s more. The “don’t operate heavy machinery while taking this drug” warning is very common. But what about driving your car?

“Patients taking Xyzal should avoid operating machinery or driving a motor vehicle.”

You can’t take this allergy drug and safely drive a car? Doesn’t this eliminate MOST PEOPLE IN THE DEVELOPED WORLD? And just to be sure it wasn’t a misprint, I checked the company’s website, and found the exact same warning! Brilliant!

So said 27-year-old professional soccer player Bob Malcolm after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. Here’s a man who truly believes in accepting responsibility for his actions:

I recognise that footballers are role models and that, as such, they should set a positive example. On this occasion, I have failed to do that.

Okay. Sounds good.

“But I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before.”

Doh! What were the circumstances of his arrest? As reported in the Daily Mail:

The drama happened on the M1 northbound at Tibshelf, Derbyshire, at around 6.30am on December 27 last year.

A shocked motorist told police he nearly smashed into Malcolm’s car, which was straddling the middle and fast lanes of the motorway.

The other driver pulled over, woke up Malcolm, persuaded him to move to the hard shoulder, and then phoned 999.

Malcolm’s blood alcohol level was more than double the legal limit. In addition to blaming the ref, Malcolm did have one more comment to try and distance himself from the crime:

“I would also like to stress that at the time of the incident, I was not driving my car. “I had pulled over to the side of the road and was sleeping. Once again, I apologise for what has been a major error of judgment.”

Wow. And how exactly did you get there, Malcolm? By getting shitfaced, and then driving to your parking spot in the middle of the road? NO EXCUSES. Just cop to it, and people will respect you a lot more. (I’m sure that ref is looking forward to his next match with you.) Here’s the article.