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Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly the defense employed, but it’s damn close. As reported in The South Asian Post:

An Indian man escaped a possible death sentence for drug trafficking after his lawyer told a court it was impossible to walk with a stash of heroin in his underpants.Mumbai police alleged Dhirendra Kamdar was carrying two kilograms of the drug in four, 500-gram packets in his underwear when they picked him up as he walked from a guest house to get a taxi to the city’s airport. But when the case came to trial, Kamdar’s lawyer Ayaz Khan said it was impossible for anyone to walk one kilometre with such an amount of drugs concealed in his smalls, the Daily News and Analysis newspaper said.Khan demonstrated his theory to the judge using four identically-sized bags filled with sugar, and was acquitted of the charge on lack of evidence.

500 grams equals about 1.1 pounds. So the total was almost 4.5 pounds. That would definitely alter your gait.

Certainly regular readers know the Juice is not a fan of dress codes. Check this out, from Georgia’s Thomson-McDuffie Junior High School website:

In order to foster a climate conducive to [blah, blah, blah] … the following guidelines have been developed with input from councils, faculty, administration, and students.

… sunglasses are not to be worn on campus. … No grills are to be worn.

No shades or grills? That’s cold.

Proper and acceptable undergarments must be worn and must not be visible to others. Cleavage must not show.

How will the school know if the undergarments are “proper and acceptable” if you can’t see them! Brilliant!

Shoes or sandals must be worn. … and athletic sandals are not allowed at school.

No “athletic sandals?” Say what?

Shirts or blouses must have sleeves; shirts and blouses must be tucked in. … Belt line must be visible at all times. Any shirts or blouses that cannot be tucked in may not be worn.

NFW. You have to tuck your shirts and blouses in! Please, transfer me!

Shorts/pants must be long enough to touch the top of the kneecap. Shorts/pants must be fitted at the waist and not be baggy or frayed at the bottom.

Really? The kneecap?

All students must wear identification badges properly at all times.

Is it me, or is this starting to sound like a detention facility?

Personal grooming should be done at home, not at school.

I can’t brush or comb my hair?

The principal of the school has a right to prohibit any item of clothing he deems to be inappropriate.

Wow. That is just laughably unenforceable.

Now that you know the crimes, the times …

Penalty for failure to comply with dress code: First offense – correction (if possible) or ISS and 3 hours detention. Second offense – correction (if possible) and one (1) day of Saturday School. Third offense – three (3) days ISS and required parent conference. A Fourth offense is considered Defiance and will result in three (3) days suspension minimum.

Here’s the school’s website.

At least that’s how Gaylon Linn Murphy drew it up. As reported by The LA Times:

Murphy, 52, apologized for his actions, which began when he tore a hole in his Gucci jeans during a visit to a Home Depot store. He then attempted to claim the retail price of the jeans, valued at between $500 and $1,500, from both the building supply store and a local restaurant where he had dined. The double-dipping attempt was uncovered by an Irvine detective.

Never double dip. The sentence? Mr. Murphy received three years of unsupervised probation and 30 days of community service. What did he have to say for himself?

“It was wrong. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened, and I paid for it.” Not intentional?!

What what what? Here’s the Times article. (The static in the clip below disappears after 10 seconds.)

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Okay, so The Juice is overstating it a little bit. Sanchez Brumfield was charged with killing a man in Louisiana. He’s being tried for first-degree murder. While in a holding cell in the courthouse basement, he was seen masturbating by the deputies who were monitoring him by camera. How is this relevant in the murder case? It’s not, but the prosecutor argued that, if Brumfield is convicted, the jury should consider it in deciding whether to give him life in jail, or the death penalty. What what what? What possible relevance could masturbating have in the life or death decision? Here’s what prosecutor Aaron Brooks said, per The Advocate and WBRZ News 2:

“He will make a lousy prisoner if he’s given a life-sentence,” Brooks said. “And this stunt proves that.”

Huh? What do you do with that kind of reasoning? Just what the judge did – he rejected it. Here’s the source.

Must have been “f-bomb the lawyer day.” Mr. Aaron Wider is the owner and CEO of HTFC Corp. In a lawsuit brought by GMAC Bank against HTFC, Mr. Bodzin (GMAC’s attorney) was attempting to take Mr. Wider’s deposition. To say Mr. Wider was uncooperative would be an incredible understatement. Here are a few excerpts from the deposition:

Q. [By Atty. Bodzin] This is your loan file, what do Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald do for a living?
A. [By Mr. Wider] I don’t know. Open it up and find it.
Q. Look at your loan file and tell me.
A. Open it up and find it. I’m not your fucking bitch.
Q. Take a look at your loan application.
A. Do it yourself. Do it yourself. You want to do this in front of a judge. Would you prefer to
[do] this in front of a judge? Then, shut thefuck up.
Q. Sir, take a look–
A. I’m taking a break. Fuck him. You open up the document. You want me to look at something, you get the document out. Earn your fucking money asshole. Isn’t the law wonderful. Better get used to it. You’ll retire when I’m done.

Q. … We’re going to adjourn this deposition if this happens again because you are offending every single person.
A. Don’t speak for anybody in here except yourself fuck face.
Q. I’m speaking for myself and I’m speaking for the Court Reporter.
A. If she had a problem with me she would say something. She knows it’s [not] directed toward
her. It’s directed to you because you’re a piece of shit and a piece of garbage and I’m the only
person in your life that is fucking up your world and I enjoy it. I enjoy it and when you sit there
and say I’m perpetrating a fraud I’m just better at the law than you are and you can’t get in the
fucking door and it’s pissing you off. Keep trying.

What what what? [Funnier for South Park fans.] Just how bad was the rest of the deposition? Per the court:

The above [which includes one more excerpt] are only a few examples of Wider’s hostile, uncivil, and vulgar conduct, which persisted throughout the nearly 12 hours of deposition testimony. In fact, Wider used the word “fuck” and variants thereof no less than 73 times. To put this in perspective–in this commercial case, where GMAC’s claim is for breach of contract and HTFC’s counterclaim is for tortious interference with contract–the word “contract” and variants thereof were used only 14 times.

So what did the court do with this? Click below to find out.

Continue reading →

So, how can a 34-year-old man, who admitted to a four-month-long sexual relationship with a 13-year-old girl not see the inside of a cell? He was originally sentenced to 3 years but, on appeal, the court reduced the sentence to 1 year and 4 months. Why? The court concluded there was “real love” between Vicenza butcher Antonio de Pascale and the girl. Truly frightening, as are the comments of Judge Simonetta Matone of Rome:

The law must ‘always look to be reasonable in these cases. Every relationship is a relationship and the real maturity, whether physical or psychological, of the minor must be weighed, with the help of experts.’

What? No! No weighing, your honor. I wonder where she would draw the line. Twelve? Ten? And why is it likely that de Pascale won’t do any time? Because Italy currently has a general amnesty for anyone sentenced to less than 3 years. A fitting end to an outrageous case. To read more (a little), click here.

So MCA Records put out a song called “Barbie Girl.”(If you haven’t heard the song, lucky you. Not only does it SUCK, it becomes stuck in your head.) Anyway, it doesnt’ paint poor little Barbie in the best light, so Mattel sued MCA for using Barbie’s name without permission. MCA then agreed to place the following language on the album: the song is “social commentary and not created or approved by the makers of the doll.”

MCA’s response: fuhgeddaboutit. “It’s akin to a bank robber handing a note of apology to a teller during a heist. It neither diminshes the severity of the crime nor does it make it legal.” MCA’s response? Not pleased with Matell’s use of the words “bank robber,” “heist,” “crime,” or “theft,” they countersued for defamation!

The Judge ultimately found for MCA Records, and offered this little nugget: “The parties are advised to chill.” The case is Mattel v. MCA Records, 296 F.3d 894 (9th Cir. 2002).

Any parent would be rightfully angry upon learning that their child was bullied. Perhaps, though, stabbing the bully is not the proper response. Say what? Per the Toronto City News:

Here’s what [the police] say happened: two female students at an Oshawa school – which isn’t being named – were engaged in a war of words. The elder of the two was allegedly picking on the 13-year-old, forcing the young girl to kneel in front of her.

So the younger girl told her mom what had happened, pouring out her sad story. But instead of going to the principal, cops allege the mom went straight to the bully.

So, how do you feel about strip “throw rocks at cars on the highway from an overpass” poker? Yes, that’s what two dipshits in Washington were charged with. As reported by KOMO News:

State troopers have arrested two people suspected of damaging at least 14 vehicles by throwing baseball-sized rocks onto them from a railroad trestle over Interstate 5 as a part of a stripping game.

Washington State Patrol Trooper Guy Gill said 23-year-old Joshua N. Sizemore and 18-year-old Amanda L. Madison were tossing large rocks from the trestle near Bridgeport way about midnight.

The rules of this “game?”

Investigators said the couple was playing a stripping game, the rules … involved Madison shedding a layer of clothes for every left headlight the two managed to bust. The same rule applied to Sizemore and right headlights.

The Juice’s blood is boiling. How were they caught?

Sizemore and Madison were tracked down by troopers on the ground with assistance from a State Patrol airplane which captured video of the couple throwing rocks. Investigators said Madison was in her underwear when police caught up with the couple.

Oh, and one of the cars that was hit was a police car!

“I think we very possibly could have saved a life,” said Trooper Eric Hatteberg.

Double true.

Both Madison and Sizemore were booked into the Pierce County Jail for investigation of malicious mischief and assault.

Here’s the source.