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The Juice isn’t sure how he missed this May 2009 story, but it’s none the worse for wear. Bradley Dean Milne, age 33, had a helluva ride. As reported by the Northern Territory News:

Darwin Magistrates Court heard that the couple were planning to drive to East Arm Wharf in the Mazda ute to have sex.

The key word there is “planning.” They didn’t quite make it …

Police prosecutor Leigh Cahill said Milne “became aroused” and the woman gave him oral sex while he was driving until they reached the traffic lights at the Berrimah Rd intersection.

Zoinks! But wait …

They turned right onto Berrimah Rd, and the woman straddled Milne while he kept driving, swerving into the kerbside and back into the middle lane.

Then, after a call from a witness, came the buzz kill, and a truly classic defense offered up by Mr Milne:

When police stopped the car and Milne was asked why he had been drinking – with a blood alcohol concentration of .097 per cent – he said: “Come on, mate. What would you do? We were going to the wharf but we didn’t quite get there.”

And check out this defense offered up by Mr. Milne’s lawyer:

Mr Rowbottam told the court that Milne had not been paying attention to his intoxication, and had been surprised at the reading. “He wasn’t concentrating on that – he was concentrating on his amorous situation,” he said.

Really? That’s what you offer as mitigation? The charges were:

… not wearing a seatbelt, driving without due care and drink-driving when a witness called police after seeing his car swerving all over the road.

The time? No time, just a $1,400 fine and a six-month license suspension.

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Yup. Straight from Judge in the case, as reported by The Palm Beach Post:

“This case presents the strangest facts and set of circumstances that I’ve witnessed in my 28 years as a lawyer,” Circuit Judge Jorge Labarga said as he sentenced Dean to life in prison.

So what happened?

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Just when you thought you’d heard them all… Check out this excuse for speeding, as reported in The Local:

A woman from southern Sweden has lost her bid to have a speeding fine overturned on the grounds that she was suffering from diarrhea at the time of the offence.

The 49-year-old woman from Trelleborg explained to the local district court that she was experiencing stomach problems when she was pulled over for driving 86 kilometres per hour in a 70 km/h zone.

Only 86 in a 70 zone? How bad could it have been? Said the court:

A situation can only be classed as an emergency if somebody’s life is in danger or if a driver hits the gas in an attempt to prevent a serious crime.

As the woman’s desire to get home to her toilet did not fit into either category, the court ordered her to pay the speeding fine.

Newman! (It’s a Seinfeld thing.)

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Maybe you would feel otherwise, but despite receiving 77 parking tickets in less than 6 months – all “unearned” – Illinois resident Tom Feddor would not dream of giving up his “0” license plate. His grandfather got it in 1971, and it’s been in the family ever since. So why has Mr. Feddor been receiving so many tickets that he has to go to court about once every three weeks? Here’s why, as reported by the Chicago Tribune:

It turned out that some city parking-enforcement aides punched in 0 when testing their electronic ticket-issuing devices, Revenue Department spokesman Ed Walsh said. Officials weren’t aware there was a 0 plate or that Feddor was receiving tickets, Walsh said in response to the Tribune inquiry.

Doh! But that’s not all …

Adding to Feddor’s headaches, the letter “O” Illinois license plates registered to convicted felon Lawrence Warner, a co-defendant in the corruption trial of former Gov. George Ryan, sometimes resulted in Feddor receiving ticket notices from the city that belonged to Warner, he said.

Turns out the “0” is much more trouble than the “O” ever was.

“Mr. Warner was always very nice about helping to straighten out the problem,” Feddor said.

Warner is serving a prison sentence for his role in sweetheart deals when Ryan was secretary of state.

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Yes, April S. Uwanawich (is The Juice the only one who reads this name and thinks “You Want A Witch?”), was born on 7/7/77. And she is a fortune-teller in Pennsylvania. Just one small problem – it’s against the law. As reported in The Pottstown Mercury:

A person is guilty of the charge if they “tell fortunes or predict future events … pretend to effect any purpose by spells, charms, necromancy or incantation, or advise the taking or administering of what are commonly called love powders or potions,” reads the statute.

Persons violate the law if they “stop bad luck,” “give good luck,” “win the affection of a person,” or “tell where to dig for treasure,” in return for “gain or lucre.”

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finger%20severed%20cut%20off%20chopped.jpg No, not that. So 65-year old Pamela Fox thought 50-year-old neighbor Marija Andric harmed her flowers. Ms. Fox then allegedly “poured a caustic substance over the borders and lawn of [Ms.] Andric,” per The Telegraph. But that wasn’t the end of it.

Mrs Fox confronted Miss Andric, who opened her door to find Fox pointing an aerosol spray at her face.

Olive Lycourgou, prosecuting, at Reading Crown Court, Berks, said: “Miss Andric put her hands up to protect her face. Mrs Fox leaned in and bit off the end of Miss Andric’s little finger.” After the alleged assault she said Fox spat blood out of her mouth and ran away. Surgeons were unable to reattach the finger.

Ouchee! Here’s the source.

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In some countries, it’s legal to change your name to just about anything. That’s what George Garratt decided to do. His new legal name? Hold on. The Juice needs to take a deep breath. Okay, here it goes …

Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

Whew. That’s a mouthful. Why would the Captain do that? Per The Telegraph:

“I wanted to be unique. I decided upon a theme of superheroes.”

Oh, so that’s the theme. Here’s the source, including a photo of the Captain. And if you like stories about strange names, check this out.

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This is a lesson that a Unity College (Maine) student learned the hard way. After school is over, and your cleaning out your room, MAKE SURE TO TAKE YOUR MARIJUANA PLANTS WITH YOU! Per the Portland Press Herald:

Unity College held its graduation ceremonies Saturday. Security guards on Sunday were checking dorm rooms to make sure they were emptied when they discovered the plants in plastic containers around 7:47 p.m., police said.

Annica D. McGuirk, 19, of Cabot, Ark., has been charged with cultivation of marijuana, and sale and use of marijuana … according to the Waldo County Sheriff’s Office.

If you’re one of those folks who goes through a hotel room or wherever for a final sweep, and you get derided for it, take some comfort knowing that you would have seen those pot plants, and had a much better summer than Ms. McGuirk.

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captain%20obvious%20funny%20picture%20pink%20cape.jpg So these 2 cops were in an unmarked car in street clothes [sort of]. But perhaps alleged prostitute Rose M. Townsend should have picked up on the following signs:

Detective Osborne was wearing a tactical vest with the word “Police” in large letters!

Detective Hamblin was wearing his badge on the outside of his clothing.

Oh, and after Ms. Townsend had approached the car and said “I’m looking to party,” both Detective’s radios “received transmissions dispatching units on a run,” per Detective Hamblin.

So she took off, right? Nope. As reported in The Indianapolis Star:

Townsend, unaware that the men were officers, allegedly offered to perform a sex act in exchange for $20, according to the report.

“Are you kidding?” Hamblin reportedly asked Townsend.

“No, I am not kidding,” she replied, according to the report.

Osborne then got out of the vehicle and placed Townsend under arrest.

“What did I do wrong?” Townsend reportedly asked as the handcuffs were being placed on her wrists.

Zoinks!

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Clearly times are tough. But check this out, from a sermon by Anglican priest Tim Jones, per The Daily Mail:

He told parishioners [shoplifting from major stores] would not break the eighth commandment ‘thou shalt not steal’ because it ‘is permissible for those who are in desperate situations to take food that they might not starve’.

Really? The Juice hasn’t seen that version of the ten commandments.

Father Jones, 42, was discussing Mary and the birth of Jesus when he went on to the subject of how poor and vulnerable people cope in the run-up to Christmas.

‘My advice, as a Christian priest, is to shoplift,’ he told his stunned congregation at St Lawrence and St Hilda in York.

‘I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.

‘I would ask them not to take any more than they need. I offer the advice with a heavy heart. Let my words not be misrepresented as a simplistic call for people to shoplift.

Good luck getting that genie back in the bottle. You can read more (a fair amount) here.