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Why would The Juice presume that no celebrities would stay in James City County, Virginia? Because they have a law prohibiting the use of a fake name when registering at a hotel. Here it is:

Sec. 15-38. False registration by guests.

It shall be unlawful for any person to write, or cause to be written, or knowingly permit to be written, in any guest register in any lodging place in the county, any other or different name or designation than the true name of the person registered therein, or the name by which such person is generally known, or to enter false information regarding any vehicle. Any person violating the provisions of this section shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor.

Surely all those law-abiding adulterers give their real names … Here’s the source. (You’ll have to scroll down to page 19.)

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Lots of people eat fish. Probably most people. Is it really so bad to eat a goldfish? Apparently so, as Briton Chris Caswell found out the hard way. As reported – with no slant whatsoever[!] – in The Sun:

Cruel Chris Caswell was arrested yesterday over the sick stunt that was videoed by his giggling pals and posted on Facebook.

Damn you Facebook!

The lout, 30, paid £1.99 for a fish then asked staff to put it in a glass he had brought along, claiming he lived just across the road.

A puzzled shop worker agreed – then watched in horror as he downed the fish in one swallow.

Oh the humanity!

After Caswell ate the creature, his pal doing the filming crowed: “Goldfish down the hatch!” The yobs then marched out of the shop cackling and joking.

Police were alerted after the appalling footage was posted on the web.

Roofer Caswell was arrested in a dawn raid at his home in Newton Aycliffe, Co Durham, yesterday on suspicion of cruelty to animals.

Really? A “raid”?

He was quizzed at a police station for an hour then released.

Should have asked President Obama for special dispensation to send the gent to Guantanamo Bay.

The yob last night insisted he was an animal lover and it was just a prank.

He bleated: “It was over a year ago. We had been out drinking at a friend’s party. I can’t remember much about it. I have just got a puppy. I like animals.”

If Caswell is found guilty of animal cruelty he could face a £20,000 fine or six months in jail.

This guy is a criminal? Sounds more like a prankster. Here’s the source, including video of the incident.

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Would you believe it if The Juice told you a woman was busted for noisy sex? Well, he is. As reported in The Northern Echo:

A woman pleaded guilty today to breaching a sex Asbo [anti-social behavior order] three times.

Caroline Cartwright, 48, and her husband Steve were hit with a noise abatement notice after neighbours, the local postman, and a woman taking her child to school complained about their noisy lovemaking.

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You’ll have a hard time believing what this Minnesota man’s fetish is, and that he will be spending a year in jail because of it. Per the Duluth News Tribune:

Christopher Neil Bjerkness is not a rapist, but a Duluth judge lectured him on Wednesday that unless he stops carrying out a bizarre sexual fetish of slashing exercise balls with a knife, he could some day find himself facing an indeterminate civil commitment as a sexual psychopath.

Bjerkness was sentenced in St. Louis County District Court to 21 months in prison, but as part of a plea agreement the sentence was stayed for five years of supervised probation, which includes a one-year sentence at the Northeast Regional Corrections Center, where he will enter a sex offender treatment program.

Why jail?

The judge said no one wanted to send him to prison at this time but that his behavior was a violation of privacy and his predilection for the fetish seemed to be escalating.

And after that year in prison?

If he doesn’t change his ways, the judge said, Bjerkness could wind up in prison and potentially face a civil commitment process.

Sexual psychopaths can be civilly committed after their prison sentences when the court determines they still pose a risk to the public. It can be a lifelong commitment.

If you’re wondering why Mr. Bjerkness does this …

In a July interview, [he] told the News Tribune that he couldn’t explain his fetish. He said he suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome, bipolar depression and cerebral palsy. That information was later confirmed by his adoptive parents.

Does anyone else think that outpatient therapy would have been appropriate instead of jail?

Bjerkness said his fetish for exercise balls has nothing to do with the people who work or exercise at gyms and he doesn’t believe he is a threat to anyone. He is unemployed, but said he has worked mowing lawns, as a dishwasher and as a telemarketer.

No, this wasn’t his first conviction. In 2005, he was convicted of … breaking into a facility and … damaging inflatable exercise balls.

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Before I tell you what Christopher Lucero told New Mexico State Police Officer Kurtis Ward, just remember one thing: he was drunk! As reported in The Albuquerque Journal, Lucero said he was weaving because:

His passenger spilled his beer …

Doh! There’s more.

… next to Lucero, 31, was a half-emptied bottle of Corona in a cup holder, police said. And that wasn’t even the beer he spilled. That was the one he had popped open to replace the one that had spilled on the floorboard while he went across three lanes of traffic on the interstate …

What about the field sobriety tests? Lucero was too drunk to do them. And, this was his SIXTH DWI arrest. What was he still doing on the road?

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It is a fact [or at least truthy] that most younger people don’t proofread. The Juice refers to this as “Spell Check Syndrome.” There’s a kid in Montana who is now likely cured of that malady. Here’s how it happened, as reported by The Helena Independent Record:

A Helena teen sent out a text message last week looking to buy marijuana, only instead of texting the drug dealer, he hit a wrong number.

Who received it? The Lewis and Clark County sheriff [Leo Dutton].

The text message said: “Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?”

Little dude and his buddy got stung, but got off, thanks to a compassionate cop. Click here to read the rest of the story.

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If you watch football or basketball, no doubt you’ve heard announcers say that a team will continue running a certain play until their opponent is able to stop it. Well, it seems a bank robber in Florida subscribes to the same theory. Per The South Florida Sun-Sentinel:

Authorities are on the lookout for a robber with some brand loyalty: He’s struck the same bank so many times, the tellers recognize him.

“It’s him again,” one of them said during the latest heist on Saturday, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office.

The man has targeted the BankAtlantic branch at 4211 W. Commercial Blvd., four times since Feb. 1.

Officials described him as a portly man with dread-locks.

You’re probably thinking “is this guy nuts?” But consider this:

He has worn a different outfit for each heist.

On Saturday, he wore black pants, a black T-shirt, dark gloves with red stripes and a black hat with red and yellow stripes. He ordered two tellers to stuff cash into a white, plastic grocery bag, then casually walked away, the Sheriff’s Office said.

Brilliant!

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Is it just me (it often is), or is it a little strange for a couple to exchange cell phone videos of their genitals? Because that was Christopher Walker’s explanation for sending a cell phone video of his genitals to … not his girlfriend! Doh! Per the BBC:

When interviewed, Walker said he had been off work and and been drinking when he tried to send the call to his girlfriend, but had got the number wrong.

He said the footage of his genitals was meant for his partner …

Hmm. Wouldn’t his girlfriend’s number be in his contacts, so he wouldn’t need to dial it? Although he got probation, Mr. Walker will be a registered sex offender for 3 years, and must attend a community sex offender’s group program. Here’s the source. For a few more cell phone stories, click here.

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Over the 14 years Noel “Nutsy” Campbell and Miss Jasmine were involved (I can’t say “together” because at one point, she left him for 4 years!), she left him 13 times. He always took her back. So why did he finally decide he’d had enough? He was tired of the beatings Miss Jasmine inflicted on him, among other things.

She used a machete to beat me all over my body. I ran into my van to get away from her. I managed to get into the van. Nicholas and Noel Jr (his sons) ran me down … and began beating me in my head. I drive away and left them.

She attacked me with a machete that gave me a cut to my right finger on my right hand. I ran out of the house. I went into the van and was reversing. (She) used a stone to hit out the windshield and she also broke my rear view mirror.

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A California (you were thinking Idaho?) patrolman attended a transvestite party where he paid an entrance fee of between $50-$100 with the expectation of receiving sexual gratification. Damned if he wasn’t getting his money’s worth – participating in sexual acts – when the police raided the party and caught him in the act!

When the party was raided, what do you think happened to Patrolman Warren?

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