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All of these laws are on the books. Click on the statute and see for yourself.

No tattoos? Yup, no tattoos!

It shall be unlawful for any person to tattoo or offer to tattoo any person. As used herein to “tattoo” means to insert pigment under the surface of the skin of a human being, by pricking with a needle or otherwise, so as to produce a permanent indelible mark or figure visible on the skin. Provided, however, that the provisions hereof shall not apply to any act of a licensed practitioner of the healing arts performed in the course of his practice. §21-841

The Juice is in trouble with this next one:

Profane swearing consists in any use of the name of God, or Jesus Christ, or the Holy Ghost, either in imprecating divine vengeance upon the utterer, or any other person, or in light, trifling or irreverent speech. §21-904

No “holy shit?” No “damn you to hell?” No “sweet Mary, mother of God?” What about “holy crap?” Not to worry too much, though. The penalty:

Every person guilty of profane swearing is punishable by a fine of One Dollar ($1.00) for each offense. §21-905

Kids, watch your butts because:

… nothing contained in this Act shall prohibit any parent, teacher or other person from using ordinary force as a means of discipline, including but not limited to spanking, switching or paddling. §21-844

Damn, switching or paddling? Well, at least the fraternities have one less thing to worry about.

Again with the duels!

Any person guilty of fighting any duel, although no death or wound ensues, shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not exceeding ten (10) years. §21-662

Oh no you didn’t just try and serve me with those legal papers on Saturday.

Whoever maliciously procures any process in a civil action to be served on Saturday upon any person who keeps Saturday as holy time, and does not labor on that day, or serves upon him any process returnable on that day, or maliciously procures any civil action to which such person is a party to be adjourned to that day for trial, is guilty of a misdemeanor. §21-912

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Judges can do many things to end up facing discipline. They can skip out on work too much. They can treat parties poorly. They can disrespect lawyers who appear before them. Or, as a Pennsylvania disciplinary court found regarding Allentown District Judge Maryesther Merlo, all of the above, per The Morning Call.

Regarding attendance:

Merlo had a habit of calling out of work when dozens of hearings were scheduled and litigants, police and attorneys were assembled in her courtroom, her staff testified. According to the decision, Merlo missed 116 days of work from September 2007 to December 2009.

“This is not to mention that on the days when [Merlo] did come to work, she was never on time — she was always late,” the court added.

Former Lehigh County President Judge William H. Platt and Court Administrator Gordon Roberts testified their efforts to address her work habits fell on deaf ears. The disciplinary court noted Merlo’s explanation that her absences were excused because she never took vacation was belied by the fact she did take 49 days of vacation during the period at issue.

Excellent work habits. How did she treat parties and witnesses?

In one case, Merlo described a young man who appeared in court with his mother on a traffic offense as “a dog who needs to be retrained.” In another case, she ordered deputy sheriffs to arrest a woman who had been counseled by her lawyer not to testify to avoid incriminating herself, according to the decision.

[There was also testimony about] bizarre courtroom behavior, including an episode in which she ordered a defendant to call himself “scumbag.”

And the court examined Merlo’s conduct in 10 cases and found six in which her demeanor constituted a violation of the rules of conduct. Witnesses testified Merlo’s behavior was often demeaning, intimidating and offensive.

Okay. But what about Judge Merlo’s side of the story?

In each of the six cases, the court found the witnesses who complained about Merlo’s behavior to be more credible than the judge.

Doh! That hurts.

The state disciplinary court examined Merlo’s demeanor during truancy hearings, noting her practice of continuing cases to give the kids “a second chance” interfered with the district’s efforts to discipline students with attendance problems. Her own tardiness set a poor example for the students, the court noted.

Suzette Arcelay, a school counselor, testified Merlo’s behavior was often rude and erratic, including an episode in which Merlo told her to “shut up.”

Judge Merlo has the option of appealing the findings. You can read more here.

Update: Judge Merlo was removed from the bench. She has appealed this decision to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. You can read more about it here.

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You may be wondering: “Can you break that?” Unfortunately for Mr. Doe, the answer is “yes.” And yes, it gave rise (sorry) to a lawsuit. The case, out of Massachusetts, is John Doe v. Mary Doe.

Facts. The summary judgment record, viewed in the light most favorable to the plaintiff, Coveney v. President & Trustees of the College of the Holy Cross, 388 Mass. 16 , 17 (1983), establishes the following facts. The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant’s body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff’s legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff’s abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.

Yeowwwwwwwwwwww! So, did Mr. Doe make the case that Ms. Doe negligently broke his, well, you know? Nope. You can read the opinion here.

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So what kind of DUI was it? Per the Beaver County Times (Pennsylvania):

An Ohioville police report said a 911 call came in at 1:40 p.m. Thursday for an “out-of-control male” in the 6000 block of Tuscawaras Road.

Hmm. Seems pretty average so far.

On the way to the location, the officer spotted Mark Grove, 44, of 146 Valleyview Drive driving a lawn tractor down the middle of the road, the report said.

Go on …

Grove smelled of alcohol, was slurring his words and was nearly unintelligible, the report said. There was also a coffee mug sitting on the tractor that was leaking beer, the report said. Grove told the officer, “I’m drunk. Just take me home,” the report said.

Once in the patrol car, Grove tried to kick out the window of the car and then kicked the officer three times, the report said. Grove then threatened to “tear up the hospital” and head-butted the partition between the front and rear seats of the patrol car, the report said.

Now you’re really not getting that ride home.

At the hospital, Grove refused to take a blood-alcohol test or sign any forms, the report said. Once back at the police station, Grove attempted to escape from police custody and damaged a bench and the floor of the station, the report said.

As Mr. Sulu would say “oh my.”

Grove is charged with drunken driving, aggravated assault, criminal mischief, institutional vandalism, resisting arrest, escape, disorderly conduct, driving under suspension, habitual offender for driving under suspension and disregard for traffic lanes.

Here’s the source.

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Question: How petty was it? Answer: a sticky bun! As reported by WPTV:

A Florida man was arrested by police Monday after allegedly stealing a sticky bun from Walgreens, according to a Boynton Beach Police Dept. report.

Police say James Gomperts fled from police and then crashed his bicycle into a patrol car.

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Let’s just say this story involves seeking comfort from an animal, specifically, a donkey. You have been warned. As reported in The Sunday News:

In an incident that left the people of Filabusi dumbstricken, a 71-year-old widower was last week arraigned before the courts after he was caught raping a donkey.

The accused, Edwin Ndlovu, resides at Lunyame Village [in Zimbabwe] under Chief Bekezela Sibaya. He was charged for contravening section 74 of the criminal law (Codification and Reform Act) chapter 9:23, Beastility.

He appeared before Filabusi magistrate Miss Sheila Nazombe on 18 November and was found guilty.

Mr Jethro Mada for the state told the court that on 15 November at around noon the accused was caught having sex with a donkey in a bush near the fields.

The offence was discovered by the owner of the donkey, Mr Jeconiah Gumpi (62), who resides in the same village. Upon catching him at the scene, Mr Gumpi demanded an explanation as to why the accused was having sexual intercourse with his donkey.

The accused did not give a satisfactory answer, and the owner of the donkey reported the matter to the police leading to his arrest.

[scratching head] What exactly would qualify as a “satisfactory answer?”

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The queen of the McNuggets. The Juice blogged about Ms. Dushane previously, but at the time, the video of the incident had not been released. It has now, and here it is:

As reported by The Toledo Blade:

The video was made public, according to the Lucas County prosecutor’s office, because Dushane did not appeal her July 7 sentencing by Lucas County Common Pleas Judge Linda Jennings to three years probation and 60 days in the Corrections Center of Northwest Ohio.

She was ordered to pay $1,531.97 in restitution. Dushane pleaded no contest May 11 to one count of vandalism at McDonald’s, 90 Main St.

The video shows her throwing a bottle through the drive-through window, which she then further breaks with a fist. She later admitted she was drunk.

Her quest began New Year’s Day in the drive-through at the McDonald’s, where she’d gone for chicken McNuggets. By her arrival, though, breakfast items – not McNuggets – were being served.

You can read a fair amount more here.

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Regular Juice readers may recall this post about a marijuana greenhouse set up just 25 feet from a police station. But what if he told you a gent grew marijuana, in prison, with the permission of the guards! And he did it for at least 5 months before he was busted! What do you think he was in for? Drugs? Yup. As reported by The Sun:

Gold-toothed Mohamed Jalloh, 28, convinced jail staff [at Verne Prison in Portland, Dorset] that his super-powerful skunk crop was really tomato plants.

[They] even [let him] decorate one 4ft plant as a CHRISTMAS TREE.

So how was he caught?

Eventually he was grassed up by a jealous inmate – and guards then identified the plants using Google snaps.

Damn you, jealousy! Curse you, Google! Here’s the source.

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Actually, “hot” and “warm” revenge didn’t work out too well either for David Alan Hawkins, who had the misfortune of trying to develop a condominium project when the Savings and Loan crisis hit in the 1980s. He lost his financing, and the project, with the collapse of Queen City Savings and Loan. And, as reported by the Seattle Times:

To add insult to injury, Hawkins won a $3.5 million jury verdict against the S&L, only to have it stripped from him by a judge over a technicality — a move that outraged the jurors who had awarded him the money, according to court documents and news accounts from the time.

How would Hawkins get even?

For years, Hawkins sought justice, using increasingly confrontational and bizarre tactics that included placing invalid liens on the homes of those he blamed — including bankers, judges and lawyers — and filing so many lawsuits that he was banned from filing documents in King County in 1994.

You know it’s bad when you are banned from filing documents with the court, a fate usually reserved for pro se prisoner plaintiffs. Fast forward, years. Hawkins ratcheted the revenge WAY up, with the help of attorney Harry Skeins Jr. They were “selling” the homes of people involved in Hawkins’ misfortune 25 years ago (e.g. Judges, lawyers, a bank executive). Just one problem – they had no interest in the homes! How did they do it?

Hawkins and Skeins set up a fake title-insurance company and convinced lenders that they held legitimate liens on the homes of their victims. An Atlanta lender gave them more than $1.5 million for the sale of homes belonging to a state appeals court judge and a bank executive …

How did they get busted?

… the men were arrested in 2006 after a judge’s wife questioned a real-estate appraiser who showed up at her home one day, according to court documents.

The time? Four years in prison, and about $1.6 million in restitution. Here’s the source.

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Everyone speeds some. This Illinois gentleman, though, is in a class by himself. Let’s hope so, anyway. From the pages of The Beacon News:

At 182 mph, Rodney Jones was covering almost the length of a football field every second on his Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycle.

That is not a typo. 182! This probably won’t surprise you:

…. Jones, 39, has what officers believe is the fastest speeding ticket ever recorded in the Chicago area — and likely the state.

Hell, probably the world.

“When I looked at the radar and saw 182, I couldn’t believe it,” said Heinzl, who clocked Jones going more than three miles a minute in what he characterized as “moderate” traffic, before Jones surprised him by stopping.

“I asked him why he didn’t run and he said, ‘I wasn’t in the mood to run. If I’d wanted to run, I’d have run.’”

It’s unlikely he displayed the same demeanor before the court, because he surely could have done a lot worse.

Jones was fined $375 and ordered to buy high-risk insurance, according to court records and the Illinois Secretary of State.

Click here for the full story, including a photo of Mr. Jones.

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